A Letter to the World

Dear world:

What do you want from me?

I spent the first twenty years of my life “too fat” by your standards.  I was heckled, ridiculed, ostracized, and abused.

When I was in grade school, the kids would warn one another that I might eat them, or (worse yet) sit on them if they made me upset.

In middle school, I was ridiculed. Teased, voraciously and cruelly, by anyone that needed an ego-boost to get through their day.

In high school, I faced the worst of the abuse: I was ignored. I faded into the background, the lockers clanging and bells ringing, and no one really bothered to look for me beyond help with test questions and customized study guides.

For the last decade, I’ve worked to take control of my body.

I developed (and fought to overcome) an eating disorder as an adult. I dieted and I binged; I exercised and I purged; I succeeded and I failed.

In the last few years, I gained balance (for the most part) of my body.

I eat healthy and clean, but savor my fair share of chocolate. I exercise heavily and frequently, but make time to lay in a hot bath and veg.

I’ve gone from my peak weight – 214 pounds – down to 125.

I’m less than five weeks away from my 30th birthday and, for the first time in years, I feel like I’m back in school. Except now instead of being called fat, people call me “skinny.” Why does it hurt just as much?

“You’re too thin.”
“You’ve lost too much weight.”
“You look sickly.”
“You need to stop.”

When I was fat, everyone – children and adults alike – felt it was their right, their privilege, to pass judgment on my body.

I was “unhealthy,” and they needed me to know it. I was “unhealthy,” and they needed to set me straight. Maybe a little tough love would do the trick?

Now, at 5’3″ and 125 pounds, their civil responsibility has returned. My body isn’t right, and it’s their duty to remind me as often as they can, lest I forget.

I eat 1,200-1,900 calories per day.
I exercise 4-6 days per week.
I eat chocolate.
I eat chips.
I count calories, but don’t deny myself the things I enjoy.
I love to run.

I am strong. I am healthy. I am finally nearing a place where *I* am OK with my body.

Yet the world is not.

Why is my weight someone else’s business?

Why is my body the subject of someone else’s conversation?

Too fat, too thin, too big, too small.

What, exactly, do you want from me, world?

When am I allowed to be happy with my body? When will YOU be happy with my body?

And why do I care what you think?

Feeling dejected today,

~ Tori

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10 thoughts on “A Letter to the World

  1. i think that there is an element to this that people simply do not want you to succeed. I had a friend once who seemed happiest when I was miserable. Not to say that it’s everyone, but there are some and that maybe what you’re hearing. Don’t let others discourage you, do it for you and whoever is happy or sad about it, so be it.

  2. What a true post. Why must people push their opinions on your transformation? You obviously eat and are not starving yourself. You know what you need to nourish your body to perform. Just continue doing what you’re doing and try not to let it bother you. Focus on health and your goals.

    • It’s a shame. Can’t people just be happy for one another? I could understand if I were physically hurting myself to be thin… but, for the first time in years, I’m doing it the right way: not obsessing; letting myself enjoy treats; working out.

  3. HMR says:

    Like you, I’ve struggled with my weight all of my life. In my case, the comments that hurt the most were the ones that came from my family. They thought they were making me favors calling me *cute* names based on my current weight situation or by comparing me to my cousins and such, until I set them straight.

    Sadly, for me it’s a matter of hormonal issues. I’m not thin nor fat, I’m just in the middle. But somehow people always find ways to criticize me. But guess what? I’m happy with myself, it took me a long time to accept me as I am, but I finally did. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that’s absolutely true. Nobody can judge you, especially not for your appearance, nobody has the right to do so. Just find your beauty day by day, live happy with yourself because in the end that’s all that matters.

    Best,

    H.

  4. jessieneutrongirlgenius says:

    I think it is pathetic that the media and people make it their business to paint the perfect picture of society, everyone is different inside and out and people need to realize that.

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