weight loss

The Before

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A lot of people that I’ve met recently don’t believe me when I tell them that I was a much larger girl when I was younger. In fact, some have even scoffed when I tell them about this blog and my lifelong struggle with my weight, as if that’s something I would just make up. Do people normally brag about living their teenage years morbidly obese? I guess some people think so.

I’m guessing anyone that has started to follow this blog is doing so for one of three reasons: they are currently on their journey to health and fitness, they are looking for motivation to start their journey, or they have reached their goals and are looking to spread a little knowledge to those of us who struggle with the day-to-day of good health and nutrition. Whomever you are, I decided it was time to lay it all out there for you so you know the true author of these posts and why I’m doing this in the first place.

I plan to actually prepare a short video in the coming weeks which will take you for the full journey – the ups and the downs – and will hopefully give you deeper insight into who I am and why I’ve begun writing this blog. In the meantime, I’d like to show you who I was.

This is me during the beginning of senior year. While I didn't weight myself daily, I would guess that I'm around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5'2" frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

This is me during the beginning of junior year. While I didn’t weigh myself daily, I would guess that I’m around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5’2″ frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

I had a serious food addiction in high school. Once my parents deemed me old enough to make my own food choices, I began making all of the wrong ones. I replaced water with Mountain Dew, fruits and veggies with bowls of instant mashed potatoes and butter. Don’t ask me why – I have no clue where the sudden bad habits came from. Both my mother and father were thin, relatively healthy, and preferred wholesome food over junk. My eating habits were an anomaly.

It got worse before it got better; I stress ate in my senior year.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

As you can tell, these photos were not very flattering. The thing is, I don’t have many posed photos, as I had such body image issues during this phase of my life, I rarely let someone take a picture. Most photos in high school were candids, primarily because it required someone catching me off guard in order to get a solid shot.

I’m not going to go into detail in this post about the choices I made in high school, both the good and the bad, regarding my nutrition and eating habits. Those are different posts for different days. I did, however, want the world to see that I speak truthfully about my obesity history and that the emotions I plan to share will be genuine and come from my own experiences.

Oh – and one thing to note – you’ll never see a blog post dedicated to “The After.” Why? Because good health is a journey, not a destination.

May I always remain on the journey,

Tori

Food Guilt

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Anyone that has ever been on a diet – regardless of the extremity of said regimen – knows the concept of food guilt. It’s when you “cheat” and eat the food item that is on your no-no list. If you’re on an Atkins diet, that’s any type of carb: pasta, rice, fruit, etc. If you’re on the Paleo diet, that’s anything processed and beans: peanuts, soy, milk, etc. If you’re on a low calorie diet, it’s basically anything that tastes good.

Today, I’m experiencing some pretty severe food-guilt. You see, I’ve been doing this quasi-vegetarian thing for several weeks and I’ve been feeling really good about myself. I haven’t really been doing it as a weight loss regimen; I’ve been primarily doing it because I was feeling bad about eating so many cute, fuzzy little animals. I know, I know – I’m silly. But, as I’ve said in previous posts, I have a hard time differentiating between my adorable 8lb Chihuahua and a 10 lb baby piglet. Both are equally inquisitive, furry, and adorable. With that in mind, eating copious amounts of meat has been a moral dilemma for some time. I finally just decided to throw in the towel and dive back into the world of tofu and beans again.

With that being said, I fell off of the wagon today. You see, there is a little sandwich shop walking distance from my office. It’s owned by the nicest little Indian couple in the world. In addition to offering the basics – you know, sandwiches, burgers, etc – they also have daily specials which are frequently hand-prepared dishes of Moroccan, Indian, and African influence. They’ve had exotic soups, killer falafels, and mouth-watering curries. One thing they have on the menu frequently is a dish called: Chicken Tikka. It’s a yogurt marinated chicken served over basmati rice, which includes salad and naan. Before I dove back into the vegetarian world, this was quickly becoming my favorite meal.

I’ve managed, quite successfully, to avoid this delicious temptation for weeks. A few coworkers have gotten it and I’ve managed to avoid the delicious scent wafting my direction, happily munching my salad instead.

Today, however, I caved. And I caved HARD.

Not only did I order this delectable dish, I ate all of it within minutes. Pretty sure I didn’t even fully chew the chicken – I just swallowed it whole. To top it off, I followed the meal with half a Snickers bar [ah!] and a piece of beef jerky. Really, Tori? Beef jerky?

So, at the moment, I’m wallowing in a bit of food guilt. Granted, it could have been much worse – I could have sat down to deep-fried pigs feet or something atrocious – but still, I’m not happy with myself.

I realize that food guilt is NOT a healthy emotion nor is it worthwhile. That doesn’t make it go away, though. Whatever diet I’m on results in the constant threat of potential food guilt. So why, exactly, do we do this to ourselves?

Perhaps, somewhere deep inside us, we like to feel guilty once in a while. The remorse is so painful that it keeps us on the straight and narrow the majority of the time, primarily we don’t want to feel that sucky again for a long time. The food guilt makes us stick to our diet plan at least a few days longer. Right?

I think I might be stretching here. The food guilt has made my brain malfunction.

Tikka or death!

Tori

Vegan? Yeah, I’ve tried that, too.

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Like many people, I’m an animal lover. I have two pet Chihuahuas that are my life and soul. Unlike many other people, I have a very hard time disassociating them with other animals. It’s difficult for me to look at a pig, or a cow, or a chicken and not see the same innocence and cuteness that I see in my pets. For that reason, I’ve sampled the vegetarian and vegan lifestyles many times over the last three decades of my life.

For those that do not know, there are MULTIPLE levels to this sort of thing. Multiple.

Here’s a quick summary of all the different types of vegetarians/vegans out there. Prepare to have your mind blown by the varieties out there, folks:

  • Flexitarian: Tries to avoid meat, but occasionally allows themselves to indulge. These people tend to do this as a “humane” effort and not necessarily as a health issue.
  • Pescatarian: Avoids chicken, pork, and red meat, but considers fish & seafood to be acceptable for consumption. They are also OK with eating animal products, such as dairy and eggs.
  • The Basic Vegetarian: Avoids meat things cooked in meat-bases, such as chicken-stock, beef-stock, etc. They tend to focus on plant and soy based foods and are OK with the consumption of dairy, eggs, honey, and many other animal by-products.
  • Ovo-Vegetarian: All of the above, but avoids dairy and dairy by-products. No milk for these peeps!
  • Lacto-Vegetarian: Same as the basic vegetarian, except they permit the consumption of dairy but avoid eggs and egg-containing products, as they consider it to be an unfertilized embryo. Ewwww.
  • Ovo-Lacto: Avoids meat, dairy, and eggs as well as their by-products.
  • Vegan: The extreme version of vegetarian. No meat, no dairy, no eggs, no honey, or any other product that results from the use of animals. True vegans will not use make-up tested on animals, wear leather, or even use vitamins that contain stearic acid or another other potential animal derivatives. This can even include something as simple as yellow dye #5, which is a pork derivative. As someone allergic to pork [sucks, I know], I’ve already learned how to avoid these foods.
  • Fruitarian: EXTREME. These people only eat the “fruit” of plants – think apples, tomatoes, bananas, etc. They will not eat root vegetables, as that kills the plant. Not sure how you can live like this, but so be it.

I’ve heard a rumor that there is ANOTHER level of extremist vegan, which somehow involves living on the microbes in the air and the healing effects of the sun. Um. Yeah. That’s not happening.

Currently, I’m in a stage between vegetarian and vegan. I’m trying to avoid eggs and dairy products, but find myself cheating often. I’ve successfully avoided meat for almost two weeks, primarily because I freaking LOVE Boca Burgers and Morningstar Farms products. And don’t get me started on Gardein – nom nom nom!

However… I also really, really love cheese. Almond milk cheese – as good as it is – really doesn’t compare. I’ve never been a milk drinker, so I don’t really miss out in that area. I eat soy yogurts, use coconut based creamer for my coffee, and eat pints of coconut and rice-milk ice cream like it’s going out of style. Just CHEESE kills me.

I’ll be honest with you, though. I haven’t lost a pound. Nor have I gained, though, but that’s through conscious effort on my part. I can see how easily I could gain weight this way, as it’s very easy to get lazy and just sit down with a giant bowl of rice or pasta. That seems to be the “vegetarian-option” at most restaurants, too, so I’m learning to just order big salads and ask for the meat to be replaced with extra veggies. It’s an extra step on the part of the server, but it’s worth it for the damage that would otherwise happen to my waistline.

For those considering a vegan diet, I’d strongly suggest checking out the following blog:

http://howilost150pounds.wordpress.com/

This guy is my HERO.

Bon appetit!

~ Tori