yo-yo

Lifelong Journey

4 Comments

One thing I’ve already briefly mentioned in this blog but haven’t really defined is what I mean by weight loss being a “lifelong” journey.

Many would assume that once we hit our goal weight, the work is pretty much done. A little maintenance here and there and not getting back into the habit of scarfing milkshakes with every meal and we’re golden, right?

WRONG.

It’s not that easy.

You see, when you lose weight, your fat cells empty out, but they don’t go away. You keep them, like a little badge of honor, for the rest of your life. Those fat cells ALWAYS want to be filled back up. It’s their sole purpose in life – to be full of gooey yellow goodness. So, whenever you present them with even the slightest opportunity to replenish, they will do just that.

With this in mind, someone who has successfully lost a substantial amount of weight must always be conscious of their eating and exercise habits, as it will be easier for them to regain the weight than it would be for someone who has never had a weight problem.

It sounds simple enough. Keep eating a healthy diet. Keep exercising. Do both of these, and you’ll maintain.

Again, the problem goes deeper.

You see, most people with weight issues [both overweight and underweight] more than likely have those issues for a reason other than food tasting so delicious. Yes, all of us are guilty of overeating from time to time because it’s so mouth-wateringly delectable, but those who overeat more frequently – and sometimes without consciousness of their actions or control – face a much harder battle than defying their taste buds.

Their battle is emotional. Psychological. Ingrained and internal. Their addiction to food can be so deeply wired in their behaviors, it may take the rest of their lives to even pinpoint the cause of it, nonetheless cure it.

On top of that, the odds are against you in almost every way to lose weight:

  • Fast food is cheap. How many dollar menus have a wide variety of salads on them?
  • Healthy food is expensive. Fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as lean meats, are double their less healthy counterparts.
  • Americans work LONG hours. Food has to be quick, convenient, and readily available.
  • Gyms and personal trainers can be expensive.

Don’t believe me that it’s a hard world out there for someone trying to lose weight or maintain their weight loss? Check out this article from Cracked magazine.

For those of you who may not click on the article, here’s one of my favorite excerpts that pretty much defines my case:

“Well, just stop eating so much!” Sure, kid. To feel what it’s like, try this: Go, say, just 72 hours without eating anything. See how long it is until the starvation mechanism kicks in and the brain starts hammering you with food urges with such machine gun frequency that it is basically impossible to resist. That’s what life is like for a formerly fat person all the time. Their starvation switch is permanently on. And they’re not going 72 hours, they’re trying to go the rest of their lives. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s a breakdown of the science, in plain English. It’s like being an addict where the withdrawal symptoms last for decades.

I can attest to the following:

  • I am ALWAYS hungry. Always. I can sit down to a meal and less than an hour later, be ready to do it again. There is a constant growl in my stomach which is often audible to those around me. I chug water, eat high fiber foods, ect – it doesn’t go away.
  • I think about food most of the day. I think about what I had for breakfast, when I get to have a snack, what I might want for dinner, etc. There is a constant chain of thoughts parading through my brain about my next meal.
  • My cravings can be paralyzing.
  • I obsessively worry about my weight, my diet, and my exercise habits. If I know I cannot make it to the gym within 48 hours, I get antsy. If it’s going to be more than 3 days, I will start cancelling plans with friends, family, and work to ensure I get to the gym. I can’t control myself.
Nachos... my kryptonite.

Nachos… my kryptonite.

So, with all of that in mind, please understand that those of us with weight issues, even if our bodies don’t currently appear unhealthy from the outside, are constantly in a state of perpetual journey.

There is no miracle cure. There is no solution. To maintain my good health, I will always have to stand vigil over the food I eat, the exercise I do, and the habits that I create. And that is why this is my lifelong journey.

Bon appetit,

~ Tori

Cardio-o-o-o!

Leave a comment

Anyone that knows me knows that I love to multitask.

Watching a movie, doing homework, having a conversation on iChat, all while paying attention to my puppy as he begs for snuggles. Yup, I do that.

So, as you can probably imagine, the concept of combining a workout with ANYTHING else is going to make me happy.

My go-to workout of choice lately has been the elliptical.

Why?

A few reasons:

  • At my gym, all of the cardio machines have a built in television. For some reason, the TVs on the ellipticals are nearly twice the size. Yes, please. I would have no idea about any of the current events and world news if it weren’t for these TVs.
  • The elliptical has a built in jack for the iPod/iPhone, which lets me plug in and jam out to my favorite tunes instead of the horrible music they pump through the speakers.
  • They have a built in DESK on these machines. YES!

Why does a desk make me so happy?

Because, as crazy as this sounds, I love to read while on the elliptical. Love it. I can stay on the machine for hours if I have a good book. I’ve done this quite a bit. When I was reading Good Omens by Terry Pratchett, I would stay on the machine until it maxed out [at 99:99] and then I’d refill my water bottle and start again. I lost quite a bit of weight the week I was reading that novel!

Some common responses I have to give:

No, I don’t get nauseous. [I get asked that almost every night by someone at the gym.]

No, the bouncing doesn’t make it hard to read. [The desk keeps the book stable.]

Yes, I can read my book and listen to my iPod while checking out CNN’s closed captioning. Thank you, ADD-generation.

If anyone has been struggling with cardio lately and finds themselves unmotivated at the gym, I would strongly recommend checking out the elliptical machine. I realize most people don’t enjoy multitasking as much as I do, so I’d suggest bringing a Nook/Kindle or downloading an audiobook to your iPod. Once you are distracted, working out becomes much easier. When I’m deeply engaged in my book, I forget about the effort I’m putting in. My legs just glide, my arms just pump, and I keep moving. The book transports you out of the physical redundancy and helps take your mind off of the workout.

If you’re not much of a reader, I bet a movie would have the same affect. Bring your headphones, plug into the TV or a tablet, and flip to the FX Channel. They always have a drama, thriller, or action movie on in the evenings, and that is bound to keep you engaged.

With that being said, I think it’s time I downloaded a new book to my Nook and got my lazy bum to the gym. Taking my own advice!

Happy workout and bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

 

 

Confessions

1 Comment

Now that I’ve publicly shared the “before” version of me, I’d like to discuss some of the WRONG steps I took to becoming the “present” me. Yo-yo dieting and hardcore workouts aside, I made some very unhealthy choices regarding weight loss early on. I could probably dedicate multiple blog posts to the variety of diet pills I popped, hoping for a miracle cure for laziness and over eating. As dangerous as those can be, I wish I could say that diet pills were the most damaging thing I did to my body, but that’s just the beginning.

Sometime around 19, I delved into bulimia.

I discovered ipecac syrup. And laxatives. And diuretics. And, on some days, how to combine all three.

For those of you who do not know, ipecac syrup is a vomit inducer. It’s used primarily as emergency first aid for children who potentially consume something poisonous and need to regurgitate the contents of their stomach as quickly as possible. To get them to willingly consume said medicine, it’s flavored like maple syrup.

For a period of nearly a year, I would consume ipecac syrup after particularly fattening/unhealthy meals, which would result in nearly uncontrollable vomiting for a solid twenty minutes. It was horrible. I remember crying as I heaved over the toilet, praying for it to stop. Making deals with God to never touch it again if he would only make it stop. I remember staring into the reflection in the mirror as I washed my face, my eyes bloodshot from the exertion. I hated myself. I hated the face that stared back at me. I was ashamed that I couldn’t control myself – both at the dinner table and then afterwards.

To this day, the thought of maple syrup makes me nauseous. I have an immediate gag reflex if I try to have maple syrup. The Pavlovian effect hasn’t worn off, even though it has easily been eight years since I committed this horrible offense against my body.

I wish I could say that I stopped using ipecac syrup because I had an epiphany that caused me to suddenly love my body and quit the practice, but that’s not the case. I quit because I had read up about the negative effects it would have on my teeth. Superficiality caused me to drop one terrible habit for another: popping laxatives and diuretics.

I won’t become too graphic here, but you know the impact laxatives have on the GI tract. Off and on, I used laxatives for several years. I fear the damage I may have done to my intestines as a result.

And, the worst part?

I continued to do it even though I knew that the laxatives and diuretics didn’t actually cause weight loss. They just dehydrated me and pushed excess waste from my body, leaving me with painful cramps and weak with fatigue.

There was just something about the fake results – the low number on the scale, my ribs showing when I stretched – that made me keep doing it. For years.

I’ve only recently [within the last two years], fully given up the habit. My husband, once he learned of the behavior, had encouraged me steadily to stop harming my body.

And I would try to quit. For weeks at a time, I wouldn’t touch them. But I’d always slip.

I’d eat a REALLY big meal.

Or wake up feeling fat.

Then I’d slip back into the pattern, stopping by CVS or Walgreens on my way home and buying them in secret. Seeking out the necessary purge for my binge.

There were times where I took upwards of 15 pills at a time.

The discomfort, the pain – all for a lower number on the scale.

It wasn’t worth it. It never lasted.

It finally took me realizing that my health is more important than the number on the scale. Living a long life is more important than squeezing into a pair of jeans. Being able to see my future children have a healthy body image – as a result of my setting a good example – is worth more to me than the short-term satisfaction of achieving a weight loss goal.

Why am I telling you this tonight?

Because, tonight, I kept driving when I passed CVS.

I kept driving.

That, my friends, is a success for the evening.

Those are my confessions,

~Tori

Rewards

1 Comment

Why is it, when we’re dieting, we tend to reward ourselves with food for reaching a milestone? Doesn’t that seem a bit… counter-productive? And, now that I think about it, we have a tendency to do this even when we’re not dieting. Food is the go-to prize for just about everything we do. Have you ever noticed that?

Got straight A’s this semester?

Let’s celebrate with some frozen yogurt!

Oh, it’s your birthday?

Let’s go out for a fancy dinner! And you have to order dessert – it’s your birthday!

You woke up today without hitting the snooze button?

Have french toast for breakfast!

I’m exaggerating, of course, but not by much. I think about the patterns of my family and my in-laws and 90% [or more] of what we do revolves around food. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as the dinner table often promotes great conversation, but does food have to be involved to bring us together? Is food the foundation upon which we have to build our happiness?

I’ve decided I want to try to break the habit of rewarding myself with food, so I’m compiling a list of other “compensations” I can give myself for my little successes.

  • A manicure/pedicure.
  • An hour-long massage. [Using a groupon, of course, because I’m on a college-student’s budget.]
  • A shampoo and blow-out, just for fun!
  • A new book, fresh from Barnes and Noble.
  • A bottle of my favorite wine. [Does that count as food?]

And, you know what? I think a few rewards should give back. I’m a blessed person and there is only so much I need in my life. If I’m not going to reward myself with food, then maybe it’s time to reward myself with some good feelings.

  • Volunteer at The Coalition for the Homeless soup kitchen.
  • Get more involved with the Special Olympics. [my sister-in-law is an athlete, so I’m already active; but I could always do more!]
  • Donate to the ASPCA. Whatever amount of money I’d spend on a celebratory meal, I’ll donate it instead.

While I do not know the psychology behind edible rewards, I’m sure it’s Pavlovian in some way. As a child, someone gave me a chicken nugget for successfully walking ten feet or a lollipop for not crying when I got my childhood vaccinations. Somehow, somewhere, it was ingrained in me – and likely millions of others – to celebrate success by eating. I’ve decided I’m going to reprogram myself, starting today.

If I get an A in my current class, I’m running a 5k and getting a pedicure.

Bon appetit!

~ Tori

The Before

1 Comment

A lot of people that I’ve met recently don’t believe me when I tell them that I was a much larger girl when I was younger. In fact, some have even scoffed when I tell them about this blog and my lifelong struggle with my weight, as if that’s something I would just make up. Do people normally brag about living their teenage years morbidly obese? I guess some people think so.

I’m guessing anyone that has started to follow this blog is doing so for one of three reasons: they are currently on their journey to health and fitness, they are looking for motivation to start their journey, or they have reached their goals and are looking to spread a little knowledge to those of us who struggle with the day-to-day of good health and nutrition. Whomever you are, I decided it was time to lay it all out there for you so you know the true author of these posts and why I’m doing this in the first place.

I plan to actually prepare a short video in the coming weeks which will take you for the full journey – the ups and the downs – and will hopefully give you deeper insight into who I am and why I’ve begun writing this blog. In the meantime, I’d like to show you who I was.

This is me during the beginning of senior year. While I didn't weight myself daily, I would guess that I'm around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5'2" frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

This is me during the beginning of junior year. While I didn’t weigh myself daily, I would guess that I’m around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5’2″ frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

I had a serious food addiction in high school. Once my parents deemed me old enough to make my own food choices, I began making all of the wrong ones. I replaced water with Mountain Dew, fruits and veggies with bowls of instant mashed potatoes and butter. Don’t ask me why – I have no clue where the sudden bad habits came from. Both my mother and father were thin, relatively healthy, and preferred wholesome food over junk. My eating habits were an anomaly.

It got worse before it got better; I stress ate in my senior year.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

As you can tell, these photos were not very flattering. The thing is, I don’t have many posed photos, as I had such body image issues during this phase of my life, I rarely let someone take a picture. Most photos in high school were candids, primarily because it required someone catching me off guard in order to get a solid shot.

I’m not going to go into detail in this post about the choices I made in high school, both the good and the bad, regarding my nutrition and eating habits. Those are different posts for different days. I did, however, want the world to see that I speak truthfully about my obesity history and that the emotions I plan to share will be genuine and come from my own experiences.

Oh – and one thing to note – you’ll never see a blog post dedicated to “The After.” Why? Because good health is a journey, not a destination.

May I always remain on the journey,

Tori

Food Guilt

2 Comments

Anyone that has ever been on a diet – regardless of the extremity of said regimen – knows the concept of food guilt. It’s when you “cheat” and eat the food item that is on your no-no list. If you’re on an Atkins diet, that’s any type of carb: pasta, rice, fruit, etc. If you’re on the Paleo diet, that’s anything processed and beans: peanuts, soy, milk, etc. If you’re on a low calorie diet, it’s basically anything that tastes good.

Today, I’m experiencing some pretty severe food-guilt. You see, I’ve been doing this quasi-vegetarian thing for several weeks and I’ve been feeling really good about myself. I haven’t really been doing it as a weight loss regimen; I’ve been primarily doing it because I was feeling bad about eating so many cute, fuzzy little animals. I know, I know – I’m silly. But, as I’ve said in previous posts, I have a hard time differentiating between my adorable 8lb Chihuahua and a 10 lb baby piglet. Both are equally inquisitive, furry, and adorable. With that in mind, eating copious amounts of meat has been a moral dilemma for some time. I finally just decided to throw in the towel and dive back into the world of tofu and beans again.

With that being said, I fell off of the wagon today. You see, there is a little sandwich shop walking distance from my office. It’s owned by the nicest little Indian couple in the world. In addition to offering the basics – you know, sandwiches, burgers, etc – they also have daily specials which are frequently hand-prepared dishes of Moroccan, Indian, and African influence. They’ve had exotic soups, killer falafels, and mouth-watering curries. One thing they have on the menu frequently is a dish called: Chicken Tikka. It’s a yogurt marinated chicken served over basmati rice, which includes salad and naan. Before I dove back into the vegetarian world, this was quickly becoming my favorite meal.

I’ve managed, quite successfully, to avoid this delicious temptation for weeks. A few coworkers have gotten it and I’ve managed to avoid the delicious scent wafting my direction, happily munching my salad instead.

Today, however, I caved. And I caved HARD.

Not only did I order this delectable dish, I ate all of it within minutes. Pretty sure I didn’t even fully chew the chicken – I just swallowed it whole. To top it off, I followed the meal with half a Snickers bar [ah!] and a piece of beef jerky. Really, Tori? Beef jerky?

So, at the moment, I’m wallowing in a bit of food guilt. Granted, it could have been much worse – I could have sat down to deep-fried pigs feet or something atrocious – but still, I’m not happy with myself.

I realize that food guilt is NOT a healthy emotion nor is it worthwhile. That doesn’t make it go away, though. Whatever diet I’m on results in the constant threat of potential food guilt. So why, exactly, do we do this to ourselves?

Perhaps, somewhere deep inside us, we like to feel guilty once in a while. The remorse is so painful that it keeps us on the straight and narrow the majority of the time, primarily we don’t want to feel that sucky again for a long time. The food guilt makes us stick to our diet plan at least a few days longer. Right?

I think I might be stretching here. The food guilt has made my brain malfunction.

Tikka or death!

Tori

Vegan? Yeah, I’ve tried that, too.

Leave a comment

Like many people, I’m an animal lover. I have two pet Chihuahuas that are my life and soul. Unlike many other people, I have a very hard time disassociating them with other animals. It’s difficult for me to look at a pig, or a cow, or a chicken and not see the same innocence and cuteness that I see in my pets. For that reason, I’ve sampled the vegetarian and vegan lifestyles many times over the last three decades of my life.

For those that do not know, there are MULTIPLE levels to this sort of thing. Multiple.

Here’s a quick summary of all the different types of vegetarians/vegans out there. Prepare to have your mind blown by the varieties out there, folks:

  • Flexitarian: Tries to avoid meat, but occasionally allows themselves to indulge. These people tend to do this as a “humane” effort and not necessarily as a health issue.
  • Pescatarian: Avoids chicken, pork, and red meat, but considers fish & seafood to be acceptable for consumption. They are also OK with eating animal products, such as dairy and eggs.
  • The Basic Vegetarian: Avoids meat things cooked in meat-bases, such as chicken-stock, beef-stock, etc. They tend to focus on plant and soy based foods and are OK with the consumption of dairy, eggs, honey, and many other animal by-products.
  • Ovo-Vegetarian: All of the above, but avoids dairy and dairy by-products. No milk for these peeps!
  • Lacto-Vegetarian: Same as the basic vegetarian, except they permit the consumption of dairy but avoid eggs and egg-containing products, as they consider it to be an unfertilized embryo. Ewwww.
  • Ovo-Lacto: Avoids meat, dairy, and eggs as well as their by-products.
  • Vegan: The extreme version of vegetarian. No meat, no dairy, no eggs, no honey, or any other product that results from the use of animals. True vegans will not use make-up tested on animals, wear leather, or even use vitamins that contain stearic acid or another other potential animal derivatives. This can even include something as simple as yellow dye #5, which is a pork derivative. As someone allergic to pork [sucks, I know], I’ve already learned how to avoid these foods.
  • Fruitarian: EXTREME. These people only eat the “fruit” of plants – think apples, tomatoes, bananas, etc. They will not eat root vegetables, as that kills the plant. Not sure how you can live like this, but so be it.

I’ve heard a rumor that there is ANOTHER level of extremist vegan, which somehow involves living on the microbes in the air and the healing effects of the sun. Um. Yeah. That’s not happening.

Currently, I’m in a stage between vegetarian and vegan. I’m trying to avoid eggs and dairy products, but find myself cheating often. I’ve successfully avoided meat for almost two weeks, primarily because I freaking LOVE Boca Burgers and Morningstar Farms products. And don’t get me started on Gardein – nom nom nom!

However… I also really, really love cheese. Almond milk cheese – as good as it is – really doesn’t compare. I’ve never been a milk drinker, so I don’t really miss out in that area. I eat soy yogurts, use coconut based creamer for my coffee, and eat pints of coconut and rice-milk ice cream like it’s going out of style. Just CHEESE kills me.

I’ll be honest with you, though. I haven’t lost a pound. Nor have I gained, though, but that’s through conscious effort on my part. I can see how easily I could gain weight this way, as it’s very easy to get lazy and just sit down with a giant bowl of rice or pasta. That seems to be the “vegetarian-option” at most restaurants, too, so I’m learning to just order big salads and ask for the meat to be replaced with extra veggies. It’s an extra step on the part of the server, but it’s worth it for the damage that would otherwise happen to my waistline.

For those considering a vegan diet, I’d strongly suggest checking out the following blog:

http://howilost150pounds.wordpress.com/

This guy is my HERO.

Bon appetit!

~ Tori

The Paleo Diet

2 Comments

Just this year, I was introduced to the Paleo Diet by a good friend. In addition to losing weight, she had noticed substantial improvement in her natural energy, her skin was clearing, and her hair and nails were growing healthier.

For those unfamiliar with the Paleo diet, it basically consists of eating the same diet that our Paleolithic ancestors followed. Lean grass-fed [free range] meats, organic fresh vegetables, fruits with their skin, and nuts. There is a bit of disagreement and contradiction regarding dairy, but most diet forums I’ve read recommend the total avoidance of milk and milk products, whereas some advocate dairy in its raw, unprocessed form.

In addition to dairy, the diet also prohibits the ingestion of grains [goodbye, whole wheat bread, pasta, rice, and corn!] as well as peanuts and other forms of legumes. Oh, and no soy.

No soy? But that’s in everything.

Yes. Soy is in almost everything. I truly feel bad for those people with soy allergies because, good God, soy is in practically everything in the grocery store except for raw fruits and veggies. It’s insane.

In August 2012, I decided to attempt the Paleo diet, impressed by my friend’s amazing results. Besides, the no-no list was short compared to the Atkins diet, right?

WRONG.

As amazing as this diet is – encouraging food in its natural state and avoiding processed crap – it is very difficult to maintain unless you can prepare the majority of your meals from scratch.

I followed the Paleo diet religiously from August 2012 until December 2012, dropping almost 12 pounds in the process. Yes, I was able to eat significantly more calories per day, coming close to 2,200-2,500 a day when you factored in the raw nuts I ate by the handful. However, purchasing only organic fruits, veggies, and meat was killing me at the grocery store [it was close to $175/week for myself alone] and I was having to prepare my breakfast, lunch, and dinner daily.

I did get into a good rhythm, learning to prepare certain things in large batches to store, but I still found myself in the kitchen a solid 10 hours per week to maintain the diet.

A few resources I came across that really made the Paleo diet much easier:

 

Overall, this is a great diet plan for someone who can either:

a.) Afford to eat out at organic restaurants all the time .

(or)

b.) Has time to bargain-shop for organic/free-range products AND do all of their own cooking.

I can’t deny that I did lose weight, never felt hungry, and my skin improved dramatically as a result of this diet.

I fell off of the wagon over the holidays and have been unable to fully recommit to the program, primarily because I love Boca Burgers [soy & beans!] and cheese is as necessary to me as oxygen. While there are almond-milk cheese alternatives, nothing compares to the delicious flavor of a baked brie with crusty French bread.

Drool.

Bon appetit!

~ Tori

The first step to facing a problem…

Leave a comment

My name is Victoria but everyone calls me Tori. Like most thirty-somethings, I’m a blend of narcissism, insecurity, and optimism. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a writer but I’ve never really known where to start. In 2011, I jumped back into school, majoring in Creative Writing, and it opened a gateway of opportunities for me. Despite this, the creative process has never come easily for me. You see, I love to write but I struggle with inspiration.

The majority of my free time is spent reading, in which I am constantly in awe of the ability of all of these people to create such incredible stories. Five to seven hundred pages of characters, plots, and subplots that they somehow all managed to tie together; how do they DO that?

I’m thirty-three years old and clinging to a dream: I want to publish a novel and I want to change the world with my words. Small aspirations, right? Certainly not too much to ask of myself at this point in my life. Now I just have to think of something to write.

After another one of my many (practically daily) quarter life crises phone calls to my mother in my late 20s, she suggested something so simple, so prolific… I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it on my own. I could barely listen to the rest of our conversation because all I wanted to do was hang up, grab my laptop, and start writing.

“Tori, honey, you need to start by writing something you know. Something that’s a part of you. Something that you consider yourself an expert on. Do you have anything like that?”

Why, yes I do, Mom… yes, I do.

You see, ever since I can remember I have been on some sort of diet. From white rice and water diets to beef and cheese diets, I’ve tried every diet under the sun. Want to know about Atkins? I’m your resident expert. Trying to cut calories? Please allow me to suggest one hundred different low-calorie dessert recipes. Why yes, they are tasty — I’ve tried them all. In large quantities, I might add.

Was there an exact day in my life that I can pinpoint the beginning of my yo-yo dieting? Not sure if I can identify a specific moment but I do recall memories that I’m certain have dramatically shaped my life, some as early as elementary school.

So it began, sometime in middle school I would guess… the calorie counting, fat cutting, carb trimming, cardio-blasting routine that I’d turn on and off like a light switch from childhood through teen years and am now dragging with me as I approach thirty. Some days I wake up with an OCD-like fixation on my diet and exercise regime and other days I couldn’t give a damn one way or another. I cannot recall one day in my adult life where I didn’t worry about what I put into my mouth (or didn’t put into my mouth, for that matter) or how much exercise I needed to do to balance out a binge I had already finished or was about to undertake.

My name is Tori and I’m a yo-yo dieter.

This is my life.

Welcome to the journey.