An Outtake

Whew.

I’m exhausted today. And feeling a little bloated from all of the junk food I had to “stage-bite” last night for photos.

Who am I kidding?

I totally ate two Reese’s cups purely because I wanted ’em. Yum! And I’d do it again, too.

It’s going to take me a few days to edit all of the footage from our filming last night, but I did want to post an outtake to give a little sneak-peak for how the documentary will look.

Enjoy:

Huge thanks to my friend Emily [times 1,000,000] for all of her help. I owe her the world.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Filming is COMPLETE!

This evening, I completed the filming for my mini-documentary for this blog.

It was emotional, vulnerable, and beautiful.

I am blessed to have a great friend who called in favors to design the studio, use professional lighting and filming equipment, and provide moral support as I bared my heart [and ridiculously pale skin] to the world.

It will take a few days to sort through all of the footage, make the necessary edits, do the narration, and get the video ready to present, but I can tell you my heart is fit to bursting from the love and support I’ve already received with the start of this project.

I hope to have the video fully edited and ready to post no later than this Friday.

Thank you for your patience and bon appetit, my friends.

~ Tori

Logic > Emotion?

Another confession: today is a very, very low day for me.

After several days of NOT stressing about food and pretty much just eating what I wanted to [still relatively healthy, but larger portions], I hopped on the scale today.

Four pounds up. In less than three days since my last weigh-in.

Logically, I know this is NOT possible. I would have had to consume more than 14,000 calories (3,500 calories per pound gained) over what I needed to survive in order to put on this much weight. Not to mention that I exercised substantially in the last few days – kickball, over an hour on the elliptical, running errands –  it’s just not physically possible that I’ve gained a solid four pounds of fat.

Logically, I understand this.

Emotionally, I’m in tatters.

I’m mad at myself.

I feel guilty.

I feel fat.

Disgusting.

Pathetic.

Worthless.

This is the emotional roller coaster all yo-yo dieters face. We have our ups. We have our downs.

Today is a down.

I am blessed that I have a husband who, amazingly, understands. He had been overweight as a kid and, as a result, he can empathize with my struggle on a deeper level than most.

Instead of letting me sink into a depression, he’s taking me out. We’re going to drive around and look at properties [we’ve been house-hunting for a while] and then hit the farmer’s market for fresh, organic vegetables and fruits. We’re going to savor the cooler weather and the sunlight.

We’re not going to let a number on the scale ruin an otherwise perfect day.

Can logic overpower emotion?

Today, I’m going to find out.

~ Tori

Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type

A few years ago, my mother-in-law introduced me to the concept of eating for your blood type. There’s a diet for that? Yup.

Basically, the book consists of four specialized diets which cater to the four major blood types: O, A, B, and AB.

As an A+ bloodtype [and GPA, I might add!], the book detailed that a vegetarian diet was the ideal program for me. Woohoo! I prefer a meatless diet, so this seemed like a perfect plan. My husband, having read over the book with me, decided he wanted to try to eat for his blood type, as well. He is an O.

Crap. The meat-eater.

Well, this was going to be interesting. Two opposite diets trying to coexist in the same household. Could it work?

Since I’m the main cook for the household [AKA, my husband only knows how to make scrambled eggs and flip a burger on the grill], I decided to review the food items that we’re shared between the two diets and try to prepare meals that worked for both of us.

Ummmm, yeah. That really limited our options.

Per the O-bloodtype diet plan, carbs were the enemy. [Boy, that sounds familiar.] His diet should be primarily composed of lean meats, green vegetables, and limited sugars, even from natural fruit. My diet plan was filled with soy, veggies of all colors, and strictly forbade most dairy products.

Together, we could eat broccoli. Awesome. Well, we were guaranteed to lose weight, that’s for sure.

So I decided to look at the column of foods that were “allowed,” but were suggested to be eaten in extreme moderation between both diets. That opened up chicken, eggs, and a larger variety of shared vegetables. Well, at least we had some commonalities.

Over the next four weeks, my husband dropped weight like a champ. Living on primarily grilled steak and chicken, along with roasted asparagus, zucchini, and broccoli, the weight fell off of him like water. Considering he wasn’t overweight to begin with, we were both stunned at how great he looked.

On the other hand, I was eating a diet comprised primarily of miso soup, pineapple, grapefruit juice, buckwheat noodles, and lots and lots of tofu. I gained six pounds. Huh.

Needless to say, I dropped the diet plan pretty quickly, going for a balanced nutrition plan that included lean meats back into the equation. One of the hardest things I’ve noticed with any vegan, vegetarian, or meatless diet plan is that I find it very hard to feel full, even when consuming meat alternatives. As a result, I tend to overeat, gorging myself with fruits and grains to try and satiate the hunger that never fully goes away.

Perhaps this is why I keep having bad results with any diet that fully prohibits any food group? Maybe it’s purely psychological; the moment you restrict a food, it’s all I want to eat. And, since I can’t have it, I find myself inhaling the foods I can have, trying to recreate the pleasure and satisfaction I assume the off-limit food would have provided.

Hmmmmm. Might have stumbled upon something interesting here.

Will explore that in a later post.

As for now, bon appetit!

~ Tori

Taste

One of the things I love most about food is the fact that everyone can respond differently to it. Unlike a drug, such as heroine or cocaine, where the majority of users will become addicted, food has the power to attract as well as to repel. That makes it a very personalized drug, which I would consider to be all the more intriguing and, in some cases, dangerous.

Take, for example, sushi. In my case, it is the equivalent of barrel-aged whiskey to an alcoholic. It’s nearly impossible for me to resist and I will continue to eat it long after my stomach sends the signals to my brain that it’s full. In fact, my stomach has to basically resort to an airhorn and whirling lights before I’ll stop shoveling the seaweed wrapped deliciousness into my mouth. It’s that strong of an addiction for me.

However, this very food tends to repulse a large portion of the population. There are people who won’t so much as try a piece of cooked sushi, nonetheless engorge themselves on sashimi and ngiri at the speed I inhale it.

How is that?

My mind reels at the thought that something I find absolutely irresistible can be revolting – pugnacious! – to someone else. I found the concept so interesting that I did a bit of research on the “science” of taste, and here is what I learned.

  • Physiologically speaking, our four major taste buds evolved because that was one of the few ways prehistoric man had of determining what was edible or not. For example, since your body needs salt to function properly, you are able to detect salt, crave it, and seek it out. The same applies to sugar: you need carbohydrates for energy, so you naturally are inclined to like sweet and starchy things as an almost Pavlovian response to the spike you know it will provide.
  • Genetically speaking, some food tastes different to certain people. I won’t go into the science behind it (primarily because I didn’t understand 95% of what I read about it), but one article I read discussed that fact that a specific chemical, phenylthiocarbamide, is either tasteless to some or horrifically bitter to others, which is purely based on their genetic makeup. Applying this same principle to all foods and drinks, it can be assumed that what tastes good to me could be repulsive, purely because their genetic makeup processes the flavor differently. An interesting thought!
  • Some people were not exposed to a variety of foods when they were young, so they never acquired a taste for the varieties of herbs, spices, and flavors that exist. I know MANY people like this. They grew up eating chicken nuggets and fries from McDonald’s as a child and, as a result, find pretty much every food with a hint of natural flavor or real vegetable to be disgusting. Is that a form of child abuse? It should be.

I’m sure most of you aren’t going to be as interested in this topic as I am, but I thought I’d share my findings nonetheless. It still blows my mind that there are people out there who hate chocolate, hate wine, and hate exotic cheeses – three things I probably couldn’t live without. However, looking at it from a positive viewpoint, that just means there’s more for me.

Hmmmm. Maybe if my tastebuds changed and I suddenly hated the taste of all unhealthy and fattening foods, I would no longer need to have a blog about dieting? Doubtful, but something to hope for!

On that note, I think it’s time for some lunch!

Sushi, anyone?

~ Tori

Lifelong Journey

One thing I’ve already briefly mentioned in this blog but haven’t really defined is what I mean by weight loss being a “lifelong” journey.

Many would assume that once we hit our goal weight, the work is pretty much done. A little maintenance here and there and not getting back into the habit of scarfing milkshakes with every meal and we’re golden, right?

WRONG.

It’s not that easy.

You see, when you lose weight, your fat cells empty out, but they don’t go away. You keep them, like a little badge of honor, for the rest of your life. Those fat cells ALWAYS want to be filled back up. It’s their sole purpose in life – to be full of gooey yellow goodness. So, whenever you present them with even the slightest opportunity to replenish, they will do just that.

With this in mind, someone who has successfully lost a substantial amount of weight must always be conscious of their eating and exercise habits, as it will be easier for them to regain the weight than it would be for someone who has never had a weight problem.

It sounds simple enough. Keep eating a healthy diet. Keep exercising. Do both of these, and you’ll maintain.

Again, the problem goes deeper.

You see, most people with weight issues [both overweight and underweight] more than likely have those issues for a reason other than food tasting so delicious. Yes, all of us are guilty of overeating from time to time because it’s so mouth-wateringly delectable, but those who overeat more frequently – and sometimes without consciousness of their actions or control – face a much harder battle than defying their taste buds.

Their battle is emotional. Psychological. Ingrained and internal. Their addiction to food can be so deeply wired in their behaviors, it may take the rest of their lives to even pinpoint the cause of it, nonetheless cure it.

On top of that, the odds are against you in almost every way to lose weight:

  • Fast food is cheap. How many dollar menus have a wide variety of salads on them?
  • Healthy food is expensive. Fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as lean meats, are double their less healthy counterparts.
  • Americans work LONG hours. Food has to be quick, convenient, and readily available.
  • Gyms and personal trainers can be expensive.

Don’t believe me that it’s a hard world out there for someone trying to lose weight or maintain their weight loss? Check out this article from Cracked magazine.

For those of you who may not click on the article, here’s one of my favorite excerpts that pretty much defines my case:

“Well, just stop eating so much!” Sure, kid. To feel what it’s like, try this: Go, say, just 72 hours without eating anything. See how long it is until the starvation mechanism kicks in and the brain starts hammering you with food urges with such machine gun frequency that it is basically impossible to resist. That’s what life is like for a formerly fat person all the time. Their starvation switch is permanently on. And they’re not going 72 hours, they’re trying to go the rest of their lives. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s a breakdown of the science, in plain English. It’s like being an addict where the withdrawal symptoms last for decades.

I can attest to the following:

  • I am ALWAYS hungry. Always. I can sit down to a meal and less than an hour later, be ready to do it again. There is a constant growl in my stomach which is often audible to those around me. I chug water, eat high fiber foods, ect – it doesn’t go away.
  • I think about food most of the day. I think about what I had for breakfast, when I get to have a snack, what I might want for dinner, etc. There is a constant chain of thoughts parading through my brain about my next meal.
  • My cravings can be paralyzing.
  • I obsessively worry about my weight, my diet, and my exercise habits. If I know I cannot make it to the gym within 48 hours, I get antsy. If it’s going to be more than 3 days, I will start cancelling plans with friends, family, and work to ensure I get to the gym. I can’t control myself.
Nachos... my kryptonite.

Nachos… my kryptonite.

So, with all of that in mind, please understand that those of us with weight issues, even if our bodies don’t currently appear unhealthy from the outside, are constantly in a state of perpetual journey.

There is no miracle cure. There is no solution. To maintain my good health, I will always have to stand vigil over the food I eat, the exercise I do, and the habits that I create. And that is why this is my lifelong journey.

Bon appetit,

~ Tori

Cardio-o-o-o!

Anyone that knows me knows that I love to multitask.

Watching a movie, doing homework, having a conversation on iChat, all while paying attention to my puppy as he begs for snuggles. Yup, I do that.

So, as you can probably imagine, the concept of combining a workout with ANYTHING else is going to make me happy.

My go-to workout of choice lately has been the elliptical.

Why?

A few reasons:

  • At my gym, all of the cardio machines have a built in television. For some reason, the TVs on the ellipticals are nearly twice the size. Yes, please. I would have no idea about any of the current events and world news if it weren’t for these TVs.
  • The elliptical has a built in jack for the iPod/iPhone, which lets me plug in and jam out to my favorite tunes instead of the horrible music they pump through the speakers.
  • They have a built in DESK on these machines. YES!

Why does a desk make me so happy?

Because, as crazy as this sounds, I love to read while on the elliptical. Love it. I can stay on the machine for hours if I have a good book. I’ve done this quite a bit. When I was reading Good Omens by Terry Pratchett, I would stay on the machine until it maxed out [at 99:99] and then I’d refill my water bottle and start again. I lost quite a bit of weight the week I was reading that novel!

Some common responses I have to give:

No, I don’t get nauseous. [I get asked that almost every night by someone at the gym.]

No, the bouncing doesn’t make it hard to read. [The desk keeps the book stable.]

Yes, I can read my book and listen to my iPod while checking out CNN’s closed captioning. Thank you, ADD-generation.

If anyone has been struggling with cardio lately and finds themselves unmotivated at the gym, I would strongly recommend checking out the elliptical machine. I realize most people don’t enjoy multitasking as much as I do, so I’d suggest bringing a Nook/Kindle or downloading an audiobook to your iPod. Once you are distracted, working out becomes much easier. When I’m deeply engaged in my book, I forget about the effort I’m putting in. My legs just glide, my arms just pump, and I keep moving. The book transports you out of the physical redundancy and helps take your mind off of the workout.

If you’re not much of a reader, I bet a movie would have the same affect. Bring your headphones, plug into the TV or a tablet, and flip to the FX Channel. They always have a drama, thriller, or action movie on in the evenings, and that is bound to keep you engaged.

With that being said, I think it’s time I downloaded a new book to my Nook and got my lazy bum to the gym. Taking my own advice!

Happy workout and bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

 

 

Confessions

Now that I’ve publicly shared the “before” version of me, I’d like to discuss some of the WRONG steps I took to becoming the “present” me. Yo-yo dieting and hardcore workouts aside, I made some very unhealthy choices regarding weight loss early on. I could probably dedicate multiple blog posts to the variety of diet pills I popped, hoping for a miracle cure for laziness and over eating. As dangerous as those can be, I wish I could say that diet pills were the most damaging thing I did to my body, but that’s just the beginning.

Sometime around 19, I delved into bulimia.

I discovered ipecac syrup. And laxatives. And diuretics. And, on some days, how to combine all three.

For those of you who do not know, ipecac syrup is a vomit inducer. It’s used primarily as emergency first aid for children who potentially consume something poisonous and need to regurgitate the contents of their stomach as quickly as possible. To get them to willingly consume said medicine, it’s flavored like maple syrup.

For a period of nearly a year, I would consume ipecac syrup after particularly fattening/unhealthy meals, which would result in nearly uncontrollable vomiting for a solid twenty minutes. It was horrible. I remember crying as I heaved over the toilet, praying for it to stop. Making deals with God to never touch it again if he would only make it stop. I remember staring into the reflection in the mirror as I washed my face, my eyes bloodshot from the exertion. I hated myself. I hated the face that stared back at me. I was ashamed that I couldn’t control myself – both at the dinner table and then afterwards.

To this day, the thought of maple syrup makes me nauseous. I have an immediate gag reflex if I try to have maple syrup. The Pavlovian effect hasn’t worn off, even though it has easily been eight years since I committed this horrible offense against my body.

I wish I could say that I stopped using ipecac syrup because I had an epiphany that caused me to suddenly love my body and quit the practice, but that’s not the case. I quit because I had read up about the negative effects it would have on my teeth. Superficiality caused me to drop one terrible habit for another: popping laxatives and diuretics.

I won’t become too graphic here, but you know the impact laxatives have on the GI tract. Off and on, I used laxatives for several years. I fear the damage I may have done to my intestines as a result.

And, the worst part?

I continued to do it even though I knew that the laxatives and diuretics didn’t actually cause weight loss. They just dehydrated me and pushed excess waste from my body, leaving me with painful cramps and weak with fatigue.

There was just something about the fake results – the low number on the scale, my ribs showing when I stretched – that made me keep doing it. For years.

I’ve only recently [within the last two years], fully given up the habit. My husband, once he learned of the behavior, had encouraged me steadily to stop harming my body.

And I would try to quit. For weeks at a time, I wouldn’t touch them. But I’d always slip.

I’d eat a REALLY big meal.

Or wake up feeling fat.

Then I’d slip back into the pattern, stopping by CVS or Walgreens on my way home and buying them in secret. Seeking out the necessary purge for my binge.

There were times where I took upwards of 15 pills at a time.

The discomfort, the pain – all for a lower number on the scale.

It wasn’t worth it. It never lasted.

It finally took me realizing that my health is more important than the number on the scale. Living a long life is more important than squeezing into a pair of jeans. Being able to see my future children have a healthy body image – as a result of my setting a good example – is worth more to me than the short-term satisfaction of achieving a weight loss goal.

Why am I telling you this tonight?

Because, tonight, I kept driving when I passed CVS.

I kept driving.

That, my friends, is a success for the evening.

Those are my confessions,

~Tori

Rewards

Why is it, when we’re dieting, we tend to reward ourselves with food for reaching a milestone? Doesn’t that seem a bit… counter-productive? And, now that I think about it, we have a tendency to do this even when we’re not dieting. Food is the go-to prize for just about everything we do. Have you ever noticed that?

Got straight A’s this semester?

Let’s celebrate with some frozen yogurt!

Oh, it’s your birthday?

Let’s go out for a fancy dinner! And you have to order dessert – it’s your birthday!

You woke up today without hitting the snooze button?

Have french toast for breakfast!

I’m exaggerating, of course, but not by much. I think about the patterns of my family and my in-laws and 90% [or more] of what we do revolves around food. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as the dinner table often promotes great conversation, but does food have to be involved to bring us together? Is food the foundation upon which we have to build our happiness?

I’ve decided I want to try to break the habit of rewarding myself with food, so I’m compiling a list of other “compensations” I can give myself for my little successes.

  • A manicure/pedicure.
  • An hour-long massage. [Using a groupon, of course, because I’m on a college-student’s budget.]
  • A shampoo and blow-out, just for fun!
  • A new book, fresh from Barnes and Noble.
  • A bottle of my favorite wine. [Does that count as food?]

And, you know what? I think a few rewards should give back. I’m a blessed person and there is only so much I need in my life. If I’m not going to reward myself with food, then maybe it’s time to reward myself with some good feelings.

  • Volunteer at The Coalition for the Homeless soup kitchen.
  • Get more involved with the Special Olympics. [my sister-in-law is an athlete, so I’m already active; but I could always do more!]
  • Donate to the ASPCA. Whatever amount of money I’d spend on a celebratory meal, I’ll donate it instead.

While I do not know the psychology behind edible rewards, I’m sure it’s Pavlovian in some way. As a child, someone gave me a chicken nugget for successfully walking ten feet or a lollipop for not crying when I got my childhood vaccinations. Somehow, somewhere, it was ingrained in me – and likely millions of others – to celebrate success by eating. I’ve decided I’m going to reprogram myself, starting today.

If I get an A in my current class, I’m running a 5k and getting a pedicure.

Bon appetit!

~ Tori

The Before

A lot of people that I’ve met recently don’t believe me when I tell them that I was a much larger girl when I was younger. In fact, some have even scoffed when I tell them about this blog and my lifelong struggle with my weight, as if that’s something I would just make up. Do people normally brag about living their teenage years morbidly obese? I guess some people think so.

I’m guessing anyone that has started to follow this blog is doing so for one of three reasons: they are currently on their journey to health and fitness, they are looking for motivation to start their journey, or they have reached their goals and are looking to spread a little knowledge to those of us who struggle with the day-to-day of good health and nutrition. Whomever you are, I decided it was time to lay it all out there for you so you know the true author of these posts and why I’m doing this in the first place.

I plan to actually prepare a short video in the coming weeks which will take you for the full journey – the ups and the downs – and will hopefully give you deeper insight into who I am and why I’ve begun writing this blog. In the meantime, I’d like to show you who I was.

This is me during the beginning of senior year. While I didn't weight myself daily, I would guess that I'm around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5'2" frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

This is me during the beginning of junior year. While I didn’t weigh myself daily, I would guess that I’m around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5’2″ frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

I had a serious food addiction in high school. Once my parents deemed me old enough to make my own food choices, I began making all of the wrong ones. I replaced water with Mountain Dew, fruits and veggies with bowls of instant mashed potatoes and butter. Don’t ask me why – I have no clue where the sudden bad habits came from. Both my mother and father were thin, relatively healthy, and preferred wholesome food over junk. My eating habits were an anomaly.

It got worse before it got better; I stress ate in my senior year.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

As you can tell, these photos were not very flattering. The thing is, I don’t have many posed photos, as I had such body image issues during this phase of my life, I rarely let someone take a picture. Most photos in high school were candids, primarily because it required someone catching me off guard in order to get a solid shot.

I’m not going to go into detail in this post about the choices I made in high school, both the good and the bad, regarding my nutrition and eating habits. Those are different posts for different days. I did, however, want the world to see that I speak truthfully about my obesity history and that the emotions I plan to share will be genuine and come from my own experiences.

Oh – and one thing to note – you’ll never see a blog post dedicated to “The After.” Why? Because good health is a journey, not a destination.

May I always remain on the journey,

Tori