Very few things in my life have caused me to divert from my path of ardent obsession over my diet. Work has occasionally distracted me, but I’ve always returned to my habits pretty quickly. Happy moments – weddings, childbirths, etc – have caused me to forget about my weight for hours at a time, but the insecure thoughts would come tumbling back the moment the euphoria wore off.
For the last 48 hours, I haven’t thought about my weight. I haven’t cared what I’ve eaten or why I’ve eaten it. Food has been fuel and nothing more.
I lost a very close friend on Friday night. A motorcycle accident. Here one moment, gone the next.
In a flash, the light of someone I loved was extinguished.
It really put things into perspective for me. I’ve spent so many hours stressing, agonizing, and beating myself up over my body and my weight.
What if it were all gone tomorrow?
Would I be worried from Heaven as to how my body looked in the grave? Would I beat myself up for having that extra piece of chocolate if it were the last food I’d get to savor with a friend? Would I really care about so many superficial and trivial things if it were my last minute on this earth to speak my thoughts?
So why am I living my life this way now? Any moment could be my last. Why do I make them painful for myself more often than I make them good? That is not the way I want to live my life. Not now and never again.
While I don’t think I can break a decade’s worth of bad habits [eating disorder, obsessive weighing, counting calories], I vow to make a conscious effort to change my life and stop obsessing over the trivial. To let myself enjoy this life, while I have it, so that I can die knowing that I made the best of what I was given.
My friend that passed away was young, but he lived his life fully and deeply. He was honest, good, and loving. He took care of himself, but he didn’t stress the small stuff. If he had an extra serving at dinner, he laughed it off and pushed himself a little harder at the gym. It didn’t break his life into pieces.
I’m going to learn from my friend.
I’m going to ENJOY my life, one day at a time.
Bon appetit, my friends!