I don’t like what I see in the mirror today.
I’m frustrated. Frustrated with my body, frustrated with my will power, frustrated with me (on every level).
I kill myself at the gym only to come home and eat junk food. I know better. I understand good nutrition and I eat healthy 90% of the time, but I find myself in a self-sabotaging mood almost every evening.
In the span of minutes, I undo all the work of my day. A bite here, a bite there, and I’ve cancelled out an intensive sweat session.
I’m angry. Angry at myself, angry at genetics. My mother is tiny. My father was tiny. I never once saw either enter a gym. I never once saw either count a calorie. They just were.
For the majority of my adult life, I’ve been aware. Aware of what I eat, aware of what I do (or don’t do), and aware of how I look. I’ve never just existed. I’ve been hyper-aware of food, of my body, and of the world’s perception of me for as long as I can remember.
I’m tired of being jealous of other people. Tired of being jealous watching someone eat something I deny myself, put on a pant size I can never hope to squeeze into. I’m tired of not being satisfied of where I am of, of where I’ve come from.
Will I ever love my body? Will I ever hit my “goal” if my goal is never static? Will I ever stop being jealous and start appreciating what I have?
Looking at myself in the mirror today, I think the answer is no.
Hoping for a better day tomorrow,
5 thoughts on “Down Day”
Maybe you’re just feeling down today, but you can’t ever give up. Look in the mirror tomorrow and say yes. BTW, you have an amazing blog!!
Everyone has bad days but don’t let one bad day undo all of your hard work. Stay strong and don’t give up!
dont give up tomorrow will be better
I find your blog so therapeutic! I feel the same way. 😦 I’ve been struggling a lot lately with eating and my body image. I think you’re doing great and you look fantastic! Don’t beat yourself up. You’re an inspiration to me and a lot of people. I feel fortunate that we met through school!! 🙂 I hope we’re life long friends. xo ❤
I can totally relate…except I am obese so really have no place wasting time like this. I train HARD, more than a person my weight should train…eat well, then at night gobble down a slab of chocolate!
As somebody else said though, don’t let one days unravel all your hard work. Tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate;)