Down Day

I don’t like what I see in the mirror today.

I’m frustrated. Frustrated with my body, frustrated with my will power, frustrated with me (on every level).

I kill myself at the gym only to come home and eat junk food. I know better. I understand good nutrition and I eat healthy 90% of the time, but I find myself in a self-sabotaging mood almost every evening.

In the span of minutes, I undo all the work of my day. A bite here, a bite there, and I’ve cancelled out an intensive sweat session.

I’m angry. Angry at myself, angry at genetics. My mother is tiny. My father was tiny. I never once saw either enter a gym. I never once saw either count a calorie. They just were.

For the majority of my adult life, I’ve been aware. Aware of what I eat, aware of what I do (or don’t do), and aware of how I look. I’ve never just existed. I’ve been hyper-aware of food, of my body, and of the world’s perception of me for as long as I can remember.

I’m tired of being jealous of other people. Tired of being jealous watching someone eat something I deny myself, put on a pant size I can never hope to squeeze into. I’m tired of not being satisfied of where I am of, of where I’ve come from.

Will I ever love my body? Will I ever hit my “goal” if my goal is never static? Will I ever stop being jealous and start appreciating what I have?

Looking at myself in the mirror today, I think the answer is no.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow,

~ Tori

 

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5 thoughts on “Down Day

  1. I find your blog so therapeutic! I feel the same way. 😦 I’ve been struggling a lot lately with eating and my body image. I think you’re doing great and you look fantastic! Don’t beat yourself up. You’re an inspiration to me and a lot of people. I feel fortunate that we met through school!! 🙂 I hope we’re life long friends. xo ❤

  2. Fattie no more says:

    I can totally relate…except I am obese so really have no place wasting time like this. I train HARD, more than a person my weight should train…eat well, then at night gobble down a slab of chocolate!

    As somebody else said though, don’t let one days unravel all your hard work. Tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate;)

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