A Boost When I Needed It

I’ve been a bit melancholy the last week or so, as I’ve found myself back in the pattern of weekend gorging and sullen Mondays of recommitment to a diet I don’t feel like being married to anymore.

My weight has plateaued at 136, a frustrating turn of events from the solid 133-134 I was holding just a few days back.

I’ve been cheating daily on the Paleo diet with Chobani yogurts (which really shouldn’t be called a “cheat,” as it’s nonfat and packed with protein) and I have a feeling this is a primary cause of my stalled progress in the weight department.

Amazingly, I’ve kept moderate control and haven’t thrown my hands up, severely binged, and then committed the unforgivable purge that I’m quick to resort to at emotional lows. I’m crestfallen, but not beaten. I can break through this slump. Right?

Today, I was given a boost that I think may be the positive encouragement I needed to crush this funk; and no, it wasn’t a compliment on my size.

Today, I attended an interdepartmental meeting featuring colleagues and leadership I only see a few times per year. Given my own weight loss successes of the last year (I’m down about 20 lbs from the same date in 2012), several people approached me to compliment me or poke fun that I’m “wasting away” and should eat some of the cupcakes I’m notorious for baking.

After niceties were exchanged and the meeting (of over 150 people) commenced, I set to focus on taking notes and absorbing information. And boy, it was a lot of information. My head’s still hurting.

During a break, a Director from another Department, whom I’m on first-name terms with but I still consider an authority figure, approached me. I couldn’t help but notice that he had lost weight (20, 30 pounds?) and that he looked great.

I was just about to open my mouth to compliment him when he leaned down and asked, “Tori, may I share a quick story with you?”

“Of course, Tim,” I offered, “please do.”

He knelt down next to me and my brain quickly ran through possible scenarios of things I might have done wrong (or right) that could have impacted his Department. Needless to say, I was both a little confused… and curious.

“Over 30 years ago, my father died at the age of 56. While he had other health issues, the cause of his death was pretty much attributed to his weight,” he started.

I sat and listened, unsure of where this was going. Was I about to be lectured on losing too much weight by a Department Head? That I was still too big and needed to be more strict?! Hmmmm. My brain rolled it over but I stayed quiet.

“He had a paunch, a bad diet, and wasn’t as healthy as he could be,” he continued. “I realized, turning 56 this year, that I was heading in the same direction. It was right about that time that I saw your article.”

Uh oh. Does this Director follow THIS blog? Crap, he thinks I’m a psychopath.

“I saw the article you posted for the (school name) blog about staying healthy as a full-time student and the blurb you wrote about the MyFitnessPal app.”

He pulled out his iPhone and loaded the application.

He had logged in for 255 straight days. The exact number of days since my article had been published.

“Your article got me thinking that I really had no idea what I was eating. I was going down the same path as my father and I was likely to experience the same health problems, and probably an early death, as he had. I had no accountability or cognizance of what I was putting into my body.”

I’m pretty sure my jaw was on the floor at this point.

He pat my shoulder. “I’ve lost almost 30 pounds (ha! I was right!) and it’s thanks to your article. I just thought you should know: you’ve changed my life.”

He gave me a hug and we joked a bit about the unhealthy snacks they had for us at the meeting, but I was mostly stunned into awed silence.

When he returned to his seat and the meeting continued, it took me a few minutes to get back into focus.

This man, a major leader and creative figure in my company, had been influenced to change his life by my words. My journey, my experience, and my time-tested tools have helped him to improve his health and rebel against a genetic predisposition.

I’m humbled.

Perhaps, though a rough journey some days, I’m in this yo-yo for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, my struggles are for a cause greater than my own.

If I can influence one person to improve their life, then I’ll endure every sweaty, muscle-burning workout. I will walk away from every slice of chocolate cake, no matter how fudgy and delicious it looks, if it helps someone else sustain their will power. I will keep fighting, forever, if I know that it’s helping just one other person throw a punch themselves.

God bless Tim. God bless his journey. God bless everyone committed to improving themselves and loving their flawed little bodies along the way.

On that note…

Bon appetit, my friends, and keep fighting.

-Tori

Image

Trying not to jinx myself…

Trying not to jinx myself...

I have a really bad habit of jinxing myself through this blog, as I tend to brag about breaking weight barriers or setting a new PR at the gym only to follow it up with a tragic and depressing slump.

All I will say is that I’ve hit the gym five times per week for five straight weeks. The GymPact app is truly a blessing for me.

I’m a cardio-monster lately and have even made it a point to do a strength-training circuit at least twice per week, despite my utter aversion to the “boys section” of the gym.

My weight today? 135.6.

I’m not going to get too excited, because the weight seems to be coming off a little faster than is normal [and healthy], so chances are this is a bit of water weight.

However, I do seem to be making steady progress and I’m feeling really good about myself.

My goal is 128.5 by October 4th, 2013 [my graduation day from college] and, if I keep this pacing up, it seems like it might be a possibility.

On that note, it’s time for dinner. And a cupcake.

[only one cupcake, of course.]

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

A Mini Success

It dawned on me today that I’ve gone almost seven weeks without a severe binge/breakdown.

Yes, I’ve had several “bad days” where I’ve consumed FAR more than I should, but I haven’t totally lost control.

Yes, I’ve had a few days where I popped a diuretic or a laxative – but not an entire package.

[I’m ashamed to say I’ve done that before. It’s RIDICULOUSLY painful. And God forbid you sneeze.]

While I’m still upset on a daily basis regarding my weight, my size, my shape, and my overall fitness, I haven’t succumbed to the monster inside me that begs for my weakness.

But I’ve thought about it.

God, I think about it all the time.

I imagine what would happen if I did it. I play through the steps in my mind.

  • Four Bloat-less pills for maximize water loss.
  • At least 9 Correctols to ensure the cramping and pain is sufficient to punish me for my binge and powerful enough to eject everything not nailed down from my intestines.
  • Two caffeine pills to ensure I can’t sit still. If you’re moving, you’re burning calories.
  • A Bronkaid to kill my appetite for the future.

Pop all of them, back to back, and chase it with as much water as I can hold. Fight the gag reflex as my body responds in a Pavlovian fashion, always aware of the pain I’m trying to induce and fighting against me. Body versus mind, mind versus body.

The memory of pain isn’t enough to convince the mind that it isn’t worth it.

The mind wins.

You don’t have to be a pharmacist to know the concoction above is horrible, if not potentially fatal, and yet I will admit I’ve done it before and will likely do it again.

Today, though, is a mini success. I’ve made it at least seven weeks. I pray for seven more, then seven more after that, and seven, and seven, and seven again for all eternity.

But for now, I’ll accept today. Today is a good day.

~ Tori