I’m Alive!

For anyone that follows my blog with any consistency, you’ve probably noticed the sudden – and unannounced – silence.

First things first: I’m totally OK!

No melt downs, no binge/purge episodes, nothing.

I’m totally fine.

After weeks upon weeks of my Daily Accountability Reports (sharing with the world EVERY bite of food I ate and exercise I completed), I realized that I needed a few days off to give my brain a break.

I needed to take a few days of NOT tracking what I ate and letting my body tell me what it wanted again. Any time I catch myself becoming obsessive with something, I try to put the brakes on quickly: it’s very easy for me to slip back into my old behaviors. If I obsess too much about my food log or my gym attendance, I’ll start to let that cloying guilt sink in… you know, that weighted pain in the back of your mind that tells you each bite you take is BAD, BAD, BAD.

The moment I start to sense the voice returning, I do whatever I need to do to shut it down. FAST.

In this case, as I was writing my Thursday Night Accountability report, I could hear that voice again… it was mocking me as I typed. It was reading my food log over my shoulder, criticizing every snack. It laughed at my measly 45 minutes at the gym, and it made me feel guilty.

That’s when I realized I needed a short reprieve from the accountability reports.

Don’t worry – I’m still alive, positive, and kicking butts. šŸ™‚ More posts to come!

T-Minus 10 days until my Dirty Thirty Birthday!

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Throwback Thursday #tbt

Digging through a box of high school photos, I’m amazed by the strength and clarity of the memories produced.

Moments in time that I thought were trivial, insignificant, come back to me as if they were yesterday.

This picture is from a church event at Our Savior Lutheran. I was about 16, maybe nearing 17. It was shortly after my Confirmation ceremony, but before I entered senior year.

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I’ve come a long, long way – but I’m glad to see that I knew happiness at any size. Look at that cheesy grin! Ha!

It just goes to show you: happiness isn’t based on size, it’s based on self. Find your happiness through loving yourself.

Bon appetit, my friends!

Tori

Thursday Accountability Report

Wow, talk about a brain fart on my part. I totally forgot to post my accountability report yesterday. Between a long day in the office and a writing workshop in the evening, it completely slipped my mind.

Here’s how I did:

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I’m hesitant to share this news here, as I know how fickle my body/weight can be, but after a week of hard exercise and not weighing in daily, I decided to check in on my weight progress yesterday.

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Finally down. And substantially down, at that. I started this diet focus around 131 lbs and this puts me down nearly 8 in total and just 4 lbs from goal.

I’m trying not to jinx it, but I am feeling a little happy. šŸ™‚

Bon appetit, my friends!

Tori

Throwback Thursday: Age 12! #tbt

Name: Victoria
Age: 12
Position: 1st Baseman
Weight: 148

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Why, exactly, were we required to have our weight on the back of our baseball cards in seventh grade? Did someone believe our rookie cards would have a value down the road? Did our weight influence our performance in some way? We were 12; the fact that we made it around the bases was already an accomplishment.

It is shocking to realize that at 29, I weigh more than 20 lbs less than I did at 12. I don’t think 148 was huge, but for a pre-teen, it couldn’t have been the healthiest place for a growing body. My real weight issues took place in high school, but I can see the foundations for my love (obsession) with food forming at a young age.

Fortunately, the past is the past and I’m healthy, strong, and happy today. My relationship with good is still love:hate, but it gets better every day.

Bon appetit, my friends!

Tori

Weigh-in Wednesday!

Despite yesterday’s caloric debauchery, today’s weigh-in was positive! Yay!

Here’s the breakdown of the morning report:

Weight: 125.4

Waist: 26″ even

Hips: 35″ (up slightly?)

Right Thigh: 21.25″

Left Thigh: 21″

Right Bicep: 9.75″

Left Bicep: 10″

The scale and waist measurements are down, and the rest have remained the same or only slightly increasing. Not exactly sure how my hips got wider (second puberty?), but I’m not stressing it.

Not bad considering I just started on Monday the 19th! I’m down almost 7 pounds in 10 days. A little fast, but I’m not doing anything extreme or obsessive, so I’m happy with my results!

Bon appetit, my friends!

– Tori

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Tangible Success!

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OK, I know I have a tendency to stress out over the scale and that my weight naturally fluctuates as a result of being a woman, not due to sporadic efforts on my part.

With that in mind, I try to measure my success based on meeting certain goals.

In this case, it was a pair of size four jeans.

While a little snug (they are skinny jeans, after all), I am formally wearing size four jeans at both Express and Old Navy. I’m a solid five at Target and I only wear a six in Lucky Brand due to my wider hips (they don’t seem to like those bones for some reason). Even at the infamous Forever 21, I’m wearing their size 26-27 jeans and their dresses (mostly) in a small.

Regardless of what the scale says this Wednesday, I feel like I’m seeing success (finally).

And seeing is believing!

Bon appetit, my friends!

Tori

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Graduation Day: The Dream Dress!

Graduation Day: The Dream Dress!

As promised to those who have followed the blog for several weeks, here is the photo of me in my size four graduation dress.

I worked hard to get into this sucker.

  • Hitting the gym 5-6 days per week,
  • Sticking to my Paleo diet, and
  • Not letting my stress trigger a binge as it so frequently can when it compounds.

When I started the program (my second Bachelors degree) in March 2011, I was a wearing a size ten.

In many ways, I am a completely transformed person as a result of my college experience. An instructor in my junior year encouraged me to start this blog and create my documentary (in which IĀ  admitted to my bulimia) and that transparency with the world has helped me to gain better control of my eating disorder. Knowing that all of you, now thousands of readers, are sharing in my world and are aware of my struggles, I’ve found a greater strength inside me that helps me generate will power when I need it the most.

I am wiser, I am more passionate and creative, and I am physically half the woman I used to be.

I’ll take it.

Bon appetit, my friends!

Sharing my Story: HuffPost!

Back in July, I was reading through the stories on the Healthy Living section on the Huffington Post. If you’ve never visited the site, you really should – talk about motivation!

So many people who took control of their lives and transformed their bodies through diet, exercise, and healthy mindset – how can that not inspire you?

After reading stories of young men and women that had overcome eating disorders, I realized that I shared a similar journey. While my struggles may have been for different reasons, the core nature of our issues were the same.

I’ve been very transparent with sharing my story here, on my blog, which is visited by about 2,000 people.

Why not share my story with the world?

And so I did.

You can read the full article by clicking here.

Thank you for all of your love, support, and encouragement. Being “healthy” isn’t a destination – it’s a lifelong journey.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Less than 4th grade.

It’s official.

As of this morning, I weigh less than I did in the 4th grade. The scale reported 132.8, which, to the best of my knowledge, is the least I’ve weighed since I was nine years old.

I attribute this to a combination of being ill, of working out 5-6 days per week, and my continued commitment to Paleo, not counting the dairy-obsession I’ve had on and off for the last four weeks.

My graduation is this Friday and, roughly six weeks ago, I purchased a size four dress to wear to the event (under the giant, shapeless gown, of course). When I purchased it, I could zip it – but it was like the casing on an andouille sausage. Not attractive.
As of this morning, it not only zips, it has wiggle room.

Delightful, beautiful wiggle room.

I will post a picture of myself in the dress on Friday, assuming I opt to take off the cap and gown I’ve worked 2.5 years to earn the right to wear. Meanwhile, I’m going to be avoiding salt for the next 72 hours and pray to God that the 6am alarm clock on Friday doesn’t get snoozed too frequently. Otherwise, I’ll be rocking a size four dress with my hair in a messy bun and mascara under my eyes.

On that note, bon appetit my friends!

~ Tori