nutrition

New Diet Monday!

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You guessed it. It’s Monday! Thus starts the commitment to a new diet.

In this case, it’s an old diet. I’m recommitting to the Paleo Diet [I’ve been cheating a LOT lately, thank you EASTER CANDY!] but I’m combining it with calorie counting, as I’ve been over indulging in the “good foods” so much that they’ve turned into bad ones.

For example:

One handful of raw almonds = good.

One BAG of raw almonds = bad.

With that in mind, I’ve dusted off the ol’ login information for http://www.myfitnesspal.com and set a calorie goal of 1,300 per day to keep me on track.

I forgot how quickly 1,300 calories can be used up! Especially if you enjoy raw nuts as a snack throughout the day. This is going to be a balancing act, to say the least.

It is nice, however, to be tracking my exercise again. I’m less likely to skip the gym if I plug my workouts in at the start of the day. Once it’s in writing, it feels too permanent – too absolute – to delete. So I go.

If I plug in 90 mins of cardio, I do 90 mins of cardio.

If I plug in a kickboxing class, I take the evening kickboxing class.

Plug in wrestling a gorilla? Dang it, I’ll find a gorilla and wrestle that jerk. [I’m assuming he’s a jerk but he’s probably a nice gorilla just trying to hug me.]

Funny how keeping a diary – especially a public one, like My Fitness Pal – makes you more accountable. Knowing that several of my friends and coworkers can see my food journal, my exercise journal, and even my public body stats [currently posted: weight, waist, and hips] makes me feel that much more committed to sticking with a plan.

And right now, I need the commitment, because my will power has been slacking.

On that note, I think it’s time for a snack! 🙂

~ Tori

 

An Apology

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I’ve been very bad about posting lately, mainly because I’ve been very bad in real life. I’ve eaten candy by the handful, gone to the gym sporadically [if at all], and have basically spent the past two weeks not really caring about my body.

“Not caring” is probably being too generous.

I’ve been downright TERRIBLE to my body.

It’s been a weird time in my life. I’ve had a lot of feelings lately, up and down. Between the loss of a close friend, a recent increase of job responsibilities, and now the upcoming close on my first home, I’ve been all over the emotional spectrum.

As a result, I’ve found myself returning to old habits.

Binging.

Purging.

Binging again.

I’m ashamed of myself. I’m mad at myself. And I feel sorry.

Not sorry for myself, per se, but sorry for the damage I’ve caused my body. Sorry for the step back after so many steps forward. Sorry for the implications this has on the people that have supported me, loved me, and been there to fight alongside me.

There is just something about sadness…

It makes me eat.

And eat and eat and eat.

FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD.

Once the joy from the binge ends… the pain sets in. Physical discomfort from the sheer quantity of food. Emotional pain from the guilt and shame I feel for slipping.

And the only cure I can accept for that self-inflicted pain is self-inflicted punishment.

PUNISHMENT.

Two wrongs make it right? No. But it’s what I do.

So I apologize… to you, to my body, and to myself.

Tomorrow will be better,

~ Tori

The Path to Recovery

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After a week of stress-eating and skipping the gym, Monday brings a beautiful sunrise and a fresh look on life.

Last week, my husband and I lost a very close friend. In response to the pain, I ate.

And ate. And ate.

Did I mention EATING? I haven’t heard my stomach growl in over a week.

I stood on the scale today and wasn’t shocked to see the gain:

Nearly 5 pounds up.

Before, this would have been enough to put me into a spiraling depression. Fortunately, my view on life has changed dramatically as a result of the loss.

I shrugged it off, hopped off the scale, and continued getting ready for my day.

WOW.

I know an eating disorder isn’t cured over night. I also know that I will always, in the back of my mind, struggle over my weight, my eating habits, and my workout routines.

However, I would definitely say that I’m on a solid path to recovery. And I owe that to my dear friend, Greg. Rest in peace, brother.

Bon appetit, my friends,

~ Tori

Paleo Egg Pie

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Weird title, I know. I can’t really call it a quiche, though, because it doesn’t have a crust.

We’ve had company in town this week and I’ve been trying to prepare both delicious, economic [boys can eat!], and still Paleo-friendly meals daily.

The first day, I laid out a feast – huge pans of scrambled eggs, a heaping plate of turkey bacon, sauteed sweet potatoes with onions, toast [both regular and coconut-bread, for me!], fresh fruit salad, organic yogurt, etc.

We had a lot of potatoes leftover and I didn’t want to just microwave them and reserve them [for shame, hostess!], so I got a little creative and made “Paleo Egg Pie.” Recipe below:

  • Approx 2 sweet potatoes, chopped into 1″ pieces.
  • 1/2 sweet onion, diced
  • 6 turkey sausages, chopped into small pieces
  • 1/2 cup chopped mushrooms
  • 2/3 can diced tomatoes w/ chilis, drained well
  • 1/2 cup shredded pepper jack Daiya alternative cheese
  • 2 tbsp virgin, cold-pressed coconut oil

To start, microwave the chopped potatoes for about 90 seconds. This will reduce your cooking time IMMENSELY. Seriously, I do this with all potato recipes.

Place large skillet on stove. I had it around 60% heat. Throw the coconut oil into the pan and allow to melt. Add the onion and mushrooms and saute until transparent and tender. Add the potato and turn the heat up to around 80%. This will sear it a bit and make it nice and crispy on the outside.

Reduce the temperature back to 60% and add your chopped turkey sausage. I use the pre-cooked kind, so I’m basically just warming it up. Add the tomato/pepper mixture and stir until everything is heated through. At this point, I quickly scrambled 3 whole eggs and 3 egg whites and then poured the mixture over top of the pan. Make sure everything is evenly coated [all pan surface needs to be hidden.] If your pan is larger than the standard skillet, feel free to up this recipe to 8 eggs.

Sprinkle the Daiya cheese on top, reduce the heat to LOW, and cover the pan. Let sit for about 5-6 minutes, or until eggs set. Once set, remove pan from stove and slice into triangles, much like you would a pie. I served this with fresh salsa, chopped avocado, green onions, and more daiya cheese. The boys had NO CLUE it was Paleo!

For those who prefer more spice, feel free to add chili powder directly to the scrambled eggs and even some diced jalapeno into the mix!

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Perspective

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Very few things in my life have caused me to divert from my path of ardent obsession over my diet. Work has occasionally distracted me, but I’ve always returned to my habits pretty quickly. Happy moments – weddings, childbirths, etc – have caused me to forget about my weight for hours at a time, but the insecure thoughts would come tumbling back the moment the euphoria wore off.

For the last 48 hours, I haven’t thought about my weight. I haven’t cared what I’ve eaten or why I’ve eaten it. Food has been fuel and nothing more.

I lost a very close friend on Friday night. A motorcycle accident. Here one moment, gone the next.

In a flash, the light of someone I loved was extinguished.

It really put things into perspective for me. I’ve spent so many hours stressing, agonizing, and beating myself up over my body and my weight.

What if it were all gone tomorrow?

Would I be worried from Heaven as to how my body looked in the grave? Would I beat myself up for having that extra piece of chocolate if it were the last food I’d get to savor with a friend? Would I really care about so many superficial and trivial things if it were my last minute on this earth to speak my thoughts?

NO.

So why am I living my life this way now? Any moment could be my last. Why do I make them painful for myself more often than I make them good? That is not the way I want to live my life. Not now and never again.

While I don’t think I can break a decade’s worth of bad habits [eating disorder, obsessive weighing, counting calories], I vow to make a conscious effort to change my life and stop obsessing over the trivial. To let myself enjoy this life, while I have it, so that I can die knowing that I made the best of what I was given.

My friend that passed away was young, but he lived his life fully and deeply. He was honest, good, and loving. He took care of himself, but he didn’t stress the small stuff. If he had an extra serving at dinner, he laughed it off and pushed himself a little harder at the gym. It didn’t break his life into pieces.

I’m going to learn from my friend.

I’m going to ENJOY my life, one day at a time.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Paleo Cookies!

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On Sunday night, as I was prepping my meals and snacks for the work week, I began to have a massive craving for chocolate.

What’s new, right?

Well, even though I was letting myself indulge freely on Sunday, it made me think about the fact that I am BOUND to have more cravings throughout the week. And, if I didn’t have a plan in place, I was bound to cave, splurge on something bad, and then feel regret/guilt.

So I decided to take proactive measures and look up a recipe for Paleo desserts.

I found a basic recipe for cookies and, feeling creative, decided to doctor it a bit. I am happy to report that the results came out AMAZING. My husband was INHALING the cookies by the handful and he’s not even a big sweets-guy, so that’s a good sign. I decided I’d share the recipe on here so that my fellow cavemen and women [or gluten-free friends!] can enjoy a tasty, easy to make snack!

Double Chocolate Chip Paleo Cookies w/ Walnuts:

Ingredients:

  • 2/3 cup coconut flour
  • 1/2 cup cold-pressed coconut oil [you may need to warm slightly to get soft enough to mix]
  • 6 eggs
  • 2 tsp baking powder
  • 2 tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup raw honey or agave syrup
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened, natural cocoa powder [I went with Hershey’s but you can use whatever you’d like.]
  • 1/2 cup shredded, unsweetened coconut flakes
  • 1/2 cup crushed walnuts [or whatever nuts you prefer]
  • 1/2 cup Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips [soy free, dairy free, gluten-free, etc!]

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350 degree.

I’m not a good student when it comes to following instructions for baked goods, so I just threw all of the dry ingredients into a big mixing bowl, then poured the wet ingredients on top, then stirred them like a BEAST for 2 minutes. Free arm workout!

I used a 1/4 cup scoop to make little cookie balls and then put them approximately one inch apart on a large baking sheet. This recipe makes a lot of cookies – probably 40-45 – so I ended up using two large cookie sheets to hold all of them.

I pressed the cookies flat, so they were roughly two inches in diameter and an inch thick.

Bake for 10-14 minutes to preferred texture. I like my cookies moist and chewy, so I aimed for 10 minutes and they came out perfect.

********

Unfortunately, I didn’t do the calculations on calories, but I can tell you these little cookies pack a sweet punch, so my guess would be between 100-150 for every two cookies. They are very rich, however, so two cookies should satisfy even the most ravenous of dessert-munchers.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

The Before

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A lot of people that I’ve met recently don’t believe me when I tell them that I was a much larger girl when I was younger. In fact, some have even scoffed when I tell them about this blog and my lifelong struggle with my weight, as if that’s something I would just make up. Do people normally brag about living their teenage years morbidly obese? I guess some people think so.

I’m guessing anyone that has started to follow this blog is doing so for one of three reasons: they are currently on their journey to health and fitness, they are looking for motivation to start their journey, or they have reached their goals and are looking to spread a little knowledge to those of us who struggle with the day-to-day of good health and nutrition. Whomever you are, I decided it was time to lay it all out there for you so you know the true author of these posts and why I’m doing this in the first place.

I plan to actually prepare a short video in the coming weeks which will take you for the full journey – the ups and the downs – and will hopefully give you deeper insight into who I am and why I’ve begun writing this blog. In the meantime, I’d like to show you who I was.

This is me during the beginning of senior year. While I didn't weight myself daily, I would guess that I'm around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5'2" frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

This is me during the beginning of junior year. While I didn’t weigh myself daily, I would guess that I’m around 195-200 lbs in this photo. On a 5’2″ frame, I was pushing a size 20/22.

I had a serious food addiction in high school. Once my parents deemed me old enough to make my own food choices, I began making all of the wrong ones. I replaced water with Mountain Dew, fruits and veggies with bowls of instant mashed potatoes and butter. Don’t ask me why – I have no clue where the sudden bad habits came from. Both my mother and father were thin, relatively healthy, and preferred wholesome food over junk. My eating habits were an anomaly.

It got worse before it got better; I stress ate in my senior year.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

At this point, I was solidly in XXL t-shirts and size 22 jeans. I would guess I was close to 214 in this photo. I could barely fit in the booth at a restaurant; even bus seats were a little snug.

As you can tell, these photos were not very flattering. The thing is, I don’t have many posed photos, as I had such body image issues during this phase of my life, I rarely let someone take a picture. Most photos in high school were candids, primarily because it required someone catching me off guard in order to get a solid shot.

I’m not going to go into detail in this post about the choices I made in high school, both the good and the bad, regarding my nutrition and eating habits. Those are different posts for different days. I did, however, want the world to see that I speak truthfully about my obesity history and that the emotions I plan to share will be genuine and come from my own experiences.

Oh – and one thing to note – you’ll never see a blog post dedicated to “The After.” Why? Because good health is a journey, not a destination.

May I always remain on the journey,

Tori

The first step to facing a problem…

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My name is Victoria but everyone calls me Tori. Like most thirty-somethings, I’m a blend of narcissism, insecurity, and optimism. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a writer but I’ve never really known where to start. In 2011, I jumped back into school, majoring in Creative Writing, and it opened a gateway of opportunities for me. Despite this, the creative process has never come easily for me. You see, I love to write but I struggle with inspiration.

The majority of my free time is spent reading, in which I am constantly in awe of the ability of all of these people to create such incredible stories. Five to seven hundred pages of characters, plots, and subplots that they somehow all managed to tie together; how do they DO that?

I’m thirty-three years old and clinging to a dream: I want to publish a novel and I want to change the world with my words. Small aspirations, right? Certainly not too much to ask of myself at this point in my life. Now I just have to think of something to write.

After another one of my many (practically daily) quarter life crises phone calls to my mother in my late 20s, she suggested something so simple, so prolific… I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it on my own. I could barely listen to the rest of our conversation because all I wanted to do was hang up, grab my laptop, and start writing.

“Tori, honey, you need to start by writing something you know. Something that’s a part of you. Something that you consider yourself an expert on. Do you have anything like that?”

Why, yes I do, Mom… yes, I do.

You see, ever since I can remember I have been on some sort of diet. From white rice and water diets to beef and cheese diets, I’ve tried every diet under the sun. Want to know about Atkins? I’m your resident expert. Trying to cut calories? Please allow me to suggest one hundred different low-calorie dessert recipes. Why yes, they are tasty — I’ve tried them all. In large quantities, I might add.

Was there an exact day in my life that I can pinpoint the beginning of my yo-yo dieting? Not sure if I can identify a specific moment but I do recall memories that I’m certain have dramatically shaped my life, some as early as elementary school.

So it began, sometime in middle school I would guess… the calorie counting, fat cutting, carb trimming, cardio-blasting routine that I’d turn on and off like a light switch from childhood through teen years and am now dragging with me as I approach thirty. Some days I wake up with an OCD-like fixation on my diet and exercise regime and other days I couldn’t give a damn one way or another. I cannot recall one day in my adult life where I didn’t worry about what I put into my mouth (or didn’t put into my mouth, for that matter) or how much exercise I needed to do to balance out a binge I had already finished or was about to undertake.

My name is Tori and I’m a yo-yo dieter.

This is my life.

Welcome to the journey.