yo-yo

New Diet Monday!

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You guessed it. It’s Monday! Thus starts the commitment to a new diet.

In this case, it’s an old diet. I’m recommitting to the Paleo Diet [I’ve been cheating a LOT lately, thank you EASTER CANDY!] but I’m combining it with calorie counting, as I’ve been over indulging in the “good foods” so much that they’ve turned into bad ones.

For example:

One handful of raw almonds = good.

One BAG of raw almonds = bad.

With that in mind, I’ve dusted off the ol’ login information for http://www.myfitnesspal.com and set a calorie goal of 1,300 per day to keep me on track.

I forgot how quickly 1,300 calories can be used up! Especially if you enjoy raw nuts as a snack throughout the day. This is going to be a balancing act, to say the least.

It is nice, however, to be tracking my exercise again. I’m less likely to skip the gym if I plug my workouts in at the start of the day. Once it’s in writing, it feels too permanent – too absolute – to delete. So I go.

If I plug in 90 mins of cardio, I do 90 mins of cardio.

If I plug in a kickboxing class, I take the evening kickboxing class.

Plug in wrestling a gorilla? Dang it, I’ll find a gorilla and wrestle that jerk. [I’m assuming he’s a jerk but he’s probably a nice gorilla just trying to hug me.]

Funny how keeping a diary – especially a public one, like My Fitness Pal – makes you more accountable. Knowing that several of my friends and coworkers can see my food journal, my exercise journal, and even my public body stats [currently posted: weight, waist, and hips] makes me feel that much more committed to sticking with a plan.

And right now, I need the commitment, because my will power has been slacking.

On that note, I think it’s time for a snack! 🙂

~ Tori

 

An Apology

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I’ve been very bad about posting lately, mainly because I’ve been very bad in real life. I’ve eaten candy by the handful, gone to the gym sporadically [if at all], and have basically spent the past two weeks not really caring about my body.

“Not caring” is probably being too generous.

I’ve been downright TERRIBLE to my body.

It’s been a weird time in my life. I’ve had a lot of feelings lately, up and down. Between the loss of a close friend, a recent increase of job responsibilities, and now the upcoming close on my first home, I’ve been all over the emotional spectrum.

As a result, I’ve found myself returning to old habits.

Binging.

Purging.

Binging again.

I’m ashamed of myself. I’m mad at myself. And I feel sorry.

Not sorry for myself, per se, but sorry for the damage I’ve caused my body. Sorry for the step back after so many steps forward. Sorry for the implications this has on the people that have supported me, loved me, and been there to fight alongside me.

There is just something about sadness…

It makes me eat.

And eat and eat and eat.

FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD.

Once the joy from the binge ends… the pain sets in. Physical discomfort from the sheer quantity of food. Emotional pain from the guilt and shame I feel for slipping.

And the only cure I can accept for that self-inflicted pain is self-inflicted punishment.

PUNISHMENT.

Two wrongs make it right? No. But it’s what I do.

So I apologize… to you, to my body, and to myself.

Tomorrow will be better,

~ Tori

The Path to Recovery

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After a week of stress-eating and skipping the gym, Monday brings a beautiful sunrise and a fresh look on life.

Last week, my husband and I lost a very close friend. In response to the pain, I ate.

And ate. And ate.

Did I mention EATING? I haven’t heard my stomach growl in over a week.

I stood on the scale today and wasn’t shocked to see the gain:

Nearly 5 pounds up.

Before, this would have been enough to put me into a spiraling depression. Fortunately, my view on life has changed dramatically as a result of the loss.

I shrugged it off, hopped off the scale, and continued getting ready for my day.

WOW.

I know an eating disorder isn’t cured over night. I also know that I will always, in the back of my mind, struggle over my weight, my eating habits, and my workout routines.

However, I would definitely say that I’m on a solid path to recovery. And I owe that to my dear friend, Greg. Rest in peace, brother.

Bon appetit, my friends,

~ Tori

The Point of a Pint

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Everyone has a vice. For some, it’s drinking. For others, it’s food. Drugs, sex, gambling, etc. The list goes on and on. Some are more damaging than others, but all of them can impact our lives in a negative way.

I’m constantly questioning myself and others regarding where they feel their bad habit[s] originated.

Was food a comfort when you were upset as a child?

Did your family reward you with candy?

Did a bad break-up lead you to promiscuity in the hopes of boosting your self-esteem?

What was your catalyst?

I ask the question with the knowledge that most people either won’t have an answer or they will have MULTIPLE answers.

For me, food was often a reward. My grandmother used to take me out gallivanting when I was a child, with trips to fancy restaurants for decadent desserts the epitome of a great day. She was the child of post World War II Germany, so most of her youth was spent suffering from malnutrition, so she has spent the majority of her adult life making up for it. I just got to go along for the ride, acquiring a taste for pound cake, quality chocolate, and anything dipped in butter.

Food was also escape.

In high school, I used to eat purely for the joy of eating. The satisfying crunch of a salty chip could drown out the stress of final exams. The melting of ice cream on the tongue could erase the memory of being bullied in the halls.

As an adult, food is everything.

It’s nourishment and fuel.

It’s pleasure. It’s pain.

Punishment. Reward.

EVERYTHING.

So why does food do that for us?

What, exactly, is the point of a pint?

Does it fill a void? Does it allow an outlet for emotion?

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have had an answer. At least, not a healthy one.

Now, though, I think that a pint of ice cream [or a pint of beer, given your preference], is sometime just that and nothing more. It’s a sweet, creamy, decadent indulgence that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes, the point of a pint is just the opportunity to enjoy a tasty treat, give a long stretch, and congratulate yourself on living through the day.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

The Good & The Bad

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This weekend, my husband and I spent the weekend with some friends in Tampa. I’ve probably not mentioned it before, but we’re craft beer aficionados. The local brewery in Tampa, Cigar City Brewing, was having a celebration in honor of the release of limited bottles of a Hunahpu, a delicious, complex, and decadent stout that they brew and age with cacao nibs.

So, we left Orlando early on Friday afternoon and stayed the night in Tampa, spending the entire day at the brewery on Saturday.

While we had an awesome time and got to sample dozens of rare and unique beers, my diet took a back seat for a solid 24 hours. Food trucks were lined up at the event, selling every fried, fatty, porcine vittles possible to an inebriated audience of 5,000+ people.

Why is food, especially BAD food, so closely intertwined with events?

Do we have to gorge on unhealthy things every time we’re happy, celebrating, or otherwise being entertained?

There were a few healthy options at the event, but they ran out quickly. The one truck boasting healthy sandwiches ran out of 99% of their “fresh” ingredients within an hour and was pumping out only breaded chicken tenders and french fries for the majority of the event.

My Saturday menu consisted of:

At the event —

  • A Dunkin Donuts veggie eggwhite flatbread [my attempt at a healthy breakfast before the event started.]
  • A vanilla nonfat, sugar free latte.
  • Three munchkins. [They were staring at me, taunting.]
  • At least 10 samples [2 oz pours or less] of heavy, craft beers. My guess would be 100-200 calories per sample.
  • A slice of cheese pizza.
  • An empanada that was so greasy, I could have cooked an omelette in the pool of oil left on my plate.
  • Deep-fried broccoli and cheddar “bites.” Something quasi-healthy made irrevocably unhealthy in one moment.

After the event [I’d already blown my diet, anyhow]:

  • Some curry laska soup.
  • Several bites of pad thai.
  • A heaping serving of basil fried rice.
  • Sauteed bak choy.
  • Two coconut fried shrimp.
  • A bottle of beer.

So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty bad about my diet and eating habits by the end of the day. While I had a BLAST at the event and enjoyed dinner with several friends in the evening, I wish that I had better control of my diet and impulses to eat badly when in the company of others.

I’m so regimented and controlled on my own.

Why does company – and celebration – break down my resolve?

I hope to post a video blog later this evening to explore this concept a bit deeper.

Until then, bon appetit!

~ Tori

A Small Success

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I’m writing today’s post with mixed emotions. Currently, I’m battling with a mingling of hurt and pride. It’s hard to explain, but I’m trying to find the words.

I guess I should start the story from the beginning.

Last night, I was involved in a discussion which included several people. There were several individuals with whom I’m friendly, but not close to. They do not know my personal situation anymore than I know theirs.

I do not want to go into details, as I do not want relive the situation nor call the person out, but the conversation eventually steered towards weight.

Now, I’m not overly sensitive.

I can discuss weight, food, addictions, and more without issue.

I can separate myself from it because I realize that 99% of the time, the conversation is innocent.

However, a few comments were made that were downright cruel.

Regardless of whether or not I [or anyone else involved in the discussion] had an eating disorder, there were insensitive phrases, comments, and judgments tossed around by a specific person that were inappropriate, painful, and, in some ways, ignorant. Again, I don’t want to go into too much detail, but some examples would be the phrase “fat chicks,” or the generalization that all fat girls just want to be pretty and thin because they have issues with self-acceptance.

A comment, intended as a joke, was even directed towards me that slashed deep into the core of my insecurities.

It froze me.

I stopped talking, stopped thinking, and stopped reacting.

I was speechless.

Fortunately, the conversation naturally ended among the group a few minutes later, so I was able to leave without drawing attention to myself.

However, the damage was done.

I could feel the monster inside me, tugging.

Worthless.

Fat.

Ugly.

STOP. STOP. STOP.

It chanted from somewhere deep inside, reverberating in my ears like the echoing cacophony left behind a passing ambulance. I couldn’t shake it.

Yet… I did.

A year ago, this would have caused me to relapse.

Pills. Ipecac. Something.

I would have done something.

Hell, six WEEKS ago I would have relapsed.

But I didn’t.

I talked it out with a close friend. I confided my emotions, releasing the valve – watching as the scalding steam of my self-hatred leaked away, dissipating into the air of understanding.

I didn’t slip.

I didn’t binge.

I didn’t purge.

A small success.

And for that, I am proud.

~ Tori

Sunday Vlogs – Coming Soon!

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Starting on Sundays, I plan to post a weekly video blog in which I expound upon my thoughts on diets, workouts, dealing with an eating disorder, and just the overall emotions involved.

At this point, my video documentary has received over 200 views, 14 likes, and four comments. This tells me that people definitely relate to my struggles and that a visual medium is likely a good way to keep my story personal, real, and engaging for everyone.

I’m not a videographer by any means, so I’ll likely just do it in my office with my webcam, but I’ll try to “pretty it up” in iMovie and at least make it presentable. I plan to use this as a video confessional/diary.

If you have any thoughts, comments, or suggestions for topics, please feel free to email me:

victoriaelizabethann@yahoo.com

Bon appetit, my friends,

~ Tori

Paleo Cookies!

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On Sunday night, as I was prepping my meals and snacks for the work week, I began to have a massive craving for chocolate.

What’s new, right?

Well, even though I was letting myself indulge freely on Sunday, it made me think about the fact that I am BOUND to have more cravings throughout the week. And, if I didn’t have a plan in place, I was bound to cave, splurge on something bad, and then feel regret/guilt.

So I decided to take proactive measures and look up a recipe for Paleo desserts.

I found a basic recipe for cookies and, feeling creative, decided to doctor it a bit. I am happy to report that the results came out AMAZING. My husband was INHALING the cookies by the handful and he’s not even a big sweets-guy, so that’s a good sign. I decided I’d share the recipe on here so that my fellow cavemen and women [or gluten-free friends!] can enjoy a tasty, easy to make snack!

Double Chocolate Chip Paleo Cookies w/ Walnuts:

Ingredients:

  • 2/3 cup coconut flour
  • 1/2 cup cold-pressed coconut oil [you may need to warm slightly to get soft enough to mix]
  • 6 eggs
  • 2 tsp baking powder
  • 2 tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup raw honey or agave syrup
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened, natural cocoa powder [I went with Hershey’s but you can use whatever you’d like.]
  • 1/2 cup shredded, unsweetened coconut flakes
  • 1/2 cup crushed walnuts [or whatever nuts you prefer]
  • 1/2 cup Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips [soy free, dairy free, gluten-free, etc!]

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350 degree.

I’m not a good student when it comes to following instructions for baked goods, so I just threw all of the dry ingredients into a big mixing bowl, then poured the wet ingredients on top, then stirred them like a BEAST for 2 minutes. Free arm workout!

I used a 1/4 cup scoop to make little cookie balls and then put them approximately one inch apart on a large baking sheet. This recipe makes a lot of cookies – probably 40-45 – so I ended up using two large cookie sheets to hold all of them.

I pressed the cookies flat, so they were roughly two inches in diameter and an inch thick.

Bake for 10-14 minutes to preferred texture. I like my cookies moist and chewy, so I aimed for 10 minutes and they came out perfect.

********

Unfortunately, I didn’t do the calculations on calories, but I can tell you these little cookies pack a sweet punch, so my guess would be between 100-150 for every two cookies. They are very rich, however, so two cookies should satisfy even the most ravenous of dessert-munchers.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Monday

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Monday means different things to different people.

For some, it’s the start of another grueling work week. For others, it’s the excitement of returning to a rewarding environment. Classes, jobs, families, responsibilities. Mondays are the catalyst of beginnings.

For me, it’s the return to regimen.

Every Monday, I resurrect my diet from the ashes of my weekend and I vow to be good. I vow to drink my protein shake in the mornings, munch my salad for lunch, and control the wild, ravenous beast inside me at dinner time. I always manage to convince myself that this week will be different. I’ll tap into a magical store of will power and dedication formerly unknown and I’ll be different.

Every Monday, I promise that this will be the time I really change.

Oh, Mondays.

3.4.2013 Monday

Diet plan: PALEO

Starting weight: 139.4

Goal weight by 4.13.2013: 129 [sub-130, for the first time in my life]

Will this be the Monday I follow-through?

Let’s find out and see.

 

I’m optimistic that it is.

 

Bon appetit,

~ Tori

Breakfast of Champions

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I’ve been told that the secret to overall good health and wellness is to eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a starving college student who has maxed out his credit cards.

Well, I may not be able to control myself like a starving college student at dinner time just yet, but I definitely have breakfast down.

This morning, I was craving something heavy, fatty, and delicious.

To satiate that craving but still be somewhat healthy, I prepared my own take on chicken and waffles.

Using Van’s gluten-free, wheat-free waffles as my base, I pan fried two eggs and a sweet apple chicken sausage link [these are amazing on their own, by the way] to create a breakfast taste explosion on my plate.

Seriously, these taste way too good to only be 150 calories!

Seriously, these taste way too good to only be 150 calories!

Photo Credit: SweetBay Grocery Store

I chopped and layered the sausage [just 150 calories for a BIG link] over one of the waffles [230 calories for two], then blanketed it with the two fried eggs [140 calories using pam spray]. On top of that, I put a tiny drizzle of raw, organic honey [30 calories for a half tablespoon] and then sandwiched it with the second waffle.

I admit, this packed more of a calorie punch than I normally eat in one meal, coming in at a whopping 550, but for a Sunday brunch it totally hits the spot. Considering I ate late, I will likely offset the heavier breakfast with a light lunch. On the bright side, I am full, happy, and fueled for a productive Sunday of sitting on the couch in my PJ’s and doing homework. YESSSS!

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori