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New Diet Monday!

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You guessed it. It’s Monday! Thus starts the commitment to a new diet.

In this case, it’s an old diet. I’m recommitting to the Paleo Diet [I’ve been cheating a LOT lately, thank you EASTER CANDY!] but I’m combining it with calorie counting, as I’ve been over indulging in the “good foods” so much that they’ve turned into bad ones.

For example:

One handful of raw almonds = good.

One BAG of raw almonds = bad.

With that in mind, I’ve dusted off the ol’ login information for http://www.myfitnesspal.com and set a calorie goal of 1,300 per day to keep me on track.

I forgot how quickly 1,300 calories can be used up! Especially if you enjoy raw nuts as a snack throughout the day. This is going to be a balancing act, to say the least.

It is nice, however, to be tracking my exercise again. I’m less likely to skip the gym if I plug my workouts in at the start of the day. Once it’s in writing, it feels too permanent – too absolute – to delete. So I go.

If I plug in 90 mins of cardio, I do 90 mins of cardio.

If I plug in a kickboxing class, I take the evening kickboxing class.

Plug in wrestling a gorilla? Dang it, I’ll find a gorilla and wrestle that jerk. [I’m assuming he’s a jerk but he’s probably a nice gorilla just trying to hug me.]

Funny how keeping a diary – especially a public one, like My Fitness Pal – makes you more accountable. Knowing that several of my friends and coworkers can see my food journal, my exercise journal, and even my public body stats [currently posted: weight, waist, and hips] makes me feel that much more committed to sticking with a plan.

And right now, I need the commitment, because my will power has been slacking.

On that note, I think it’s time for a snack! 🙂

~ Tori

 

An Apology

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I’ve been very bad about posting lately, mainly because I’ve been very bad in real life. I’ve eaten candy by the handful, gone to the gym sporadically [if at all], and have basically spent the past two weeks not really caring about my body.

“Not caring” is probably being too generous.

I’ve been downright TERRIBLE to my body.

It’s been a weird time in my life. I’ve had a lot of feelings lately, up and down. Between the loss of a close friend, a recent increase of job responsibilities, and now the upcoming close on my first home, I’ve been all over the emotional spectrum.

As a result, I’ve found myself returning to old habits.

Binging.

Purging.

Binging again.

I’m ashamed of myself. I’m mad at myself. And I feel sorry.

Not sorry for myself, per se, but sorry for the damage I’ve caused my body. Sorry for the step back after so many steps forward. Sorry for the implications this has on the people that have supported me, loved me, and been there to fight alongside me.

There is just something about sadness…

It makes me eat.

And eat and eat and eat.

FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD.

Once the joy from the binge ends… the pain sets in. Physical discomfort from the sheer quantity of food. Emotional pain from the guilt and shame I feel for slipping.

And the only cure I can accept for that self-inflicted pain is self-inflicted punishment.

PUNISHMENT.

Two wrongs make it right? No. But it’s what I do.

So I apologize… to you, to my body, and to myself.

Tomorrow will be better,

~ Tori

Perspective

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Very few things in my life have caused me to divert from my path of ardent obsession over my diet. Work has occasionally distracted me, but I’ve always returned to my habits pretty quickly. Happy moments – weddings, childbirths, etc – have caused me to forget about my weight for hours at a time, but the insecure thoughts would come tumbling back the moment the euphoria wore off.

For the last 48 hours, I haven’t thought about my weight. I haven’t cared what I’ve eaten or why I’ve eaten it. Food has been fuel and nothing more.

I lost a very close friend on Friday night. A motorcycle accident. Here one moment, gone the next.

In a flash, the light of someone I loved was extinguished.

It really put things into perspective for me. I’ve spent so many hours stressing, agonizing, and beating myself up over my body and my weight.

What if it were all gone tomorrow?

Would I be worried from Heaven as to how my body looked in the grave? Would I beat myself up for having that extra piece of chocolate if it were the last food I’d get to savor with a friend? Would I really care about so many superficial and trivial things if it were my last minute on this earth to speak my thoughts?

NO.

So why am I living my life this way now? Any moment could be my last. Why do I make them painful for myself more often than I make them good? That is not the way I want to live my life. Not now and never again.

While I don’t think I can break a decade’s worth of bad habits [eating disorder, obsessive weighing, counting calories], I vow to make a conscious effort to change my life and stop obsessing over the trivial. To let myself enjoy this life, while I have it, so that I can die knowing that I made the best of what I was given.

My friend that passed away was young, but he lived his life fully and deeply. He was honest, good, and loving. He took care of himself, but he didn’t stress the small stuff. If he had an extra serving at dinner, he laughed it off and pushed himself a little harder at the gym. It didn’t break his life into pieces.

I’m going to learn from my friend.

I’m going to ENJOY my life, one day at a time.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Paleo Mint Chocolate Chip TEA!

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OK, I know the name sounds weird, but don’t knock it before you try it.

This evening, I was craving something decadent and sinfully high calorie. I would have caved for that craving if it wasn’t 11pm at night and I’m allergic to Walmart. So I had to get creative in my kitchen stocked with healthy, Paleo-diet approved foods.

Well, it worked. I came up with Paleo Mint Chocolate Chip tea, which literally tastes like melted mint chocolate chip ice cream. It’s rich, it’s flavorful, and it’s less than 75 calories for the cup! Yessssss.

Here’s the recipe:

  • One cup [6-8 oz] boiling water
  • 1 tea bag organic, peppermint tea [steep until desired strength; I went DARK!]
  • 1 tbsp organic, unsweetened cocoa powder [only 10 cals!]
  • 2 tbsp organic, So Delicious brand vanilla coffee creamer [only 20 cals!]
  • 1/2 tbsp Enjoy Life chocolate chips [approx 35 calories]
  • One stevia/truvia packet, if preferred.

Steep the tea first, remove the tea bag, and then stir in the cocoa powder. Add the creamer so the liquid cools just a tiny bit, then stir in the chips.

Heaven in a cup!

Enjoy and bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

 

Monday

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Monday means different things to different people.

For some, it’s the start of another grueling work week. For others, it’s the excitement of returning to a rewarding environment. Classes, jobs, families, responsibilities. Mondays are the catalyst of beginnings.

For me, it’s the return to regimen.

Every Monday, I resurrect my diet from the ashes of my weekend and I vow to be good. I vow to drink my protein shake in the mornings, munch my salad for lunch, and control the wild, ravenous beast inside me at dinner time. I always manage to convince myself that this week will be different. I’ll tap into a magical store of will power and dedication formerly unknown and I’ll be different.

Every Monday, I promise that this will be the time I really change.

Oh, Mondays.

3.4.2013 Monday

Diet plan: PALEO

Starting weight: 139.4

Goal weight by 4.13.2013: 129 [sub-130, for the first time in my life]

Will this be the Monday I follow-through?

Let’s find out and see.

 

I’m optimistic that it is.

 

Bon appetit,

~ Tori

Kickball

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Tonight, I scored my very first run after a season of playing kickball.

It was GLORIOUS.

For months, I’ve felt like the weak link on the team. I’m part of a co-ed league, which requires a specific numbers of females in order to be official. The other girls on the team are current [or recently retired] soccer players, so I’ve struggled with the feeling that I’m the token “non-athlete” on the team; the mascot just there to fill a quota.

Of course, every member of the team has been amazingly supportive and encouraging and I know that I’m actually a decent player when it boils down. However, the feelings of inadequacy – of being picked last for so many years when I was younger – have stuck with me.

Tonight, I went up to bat for the second time and managed to get on base. This is an accomplishment for me, as I have a habit of kicking pop flies that land perfectly in the pitcher’s arms. I was thrilled to be on base, but assumed I’d likely get tagged out in a few minutes. Amazingly, the next batter came up [we had 2 outs] and kicked right into a gap in the field, advancing me to second and then third.

I was FLOORED.

I don’t think I had made it to third before, except during practice games and my dreams. I stood on third, checking out the loaded bases, baffled to have fallen into another dimension where I could possibly score a point for my team. My coach on 3rd base told me to “run on anything” and when the batter kicked a line drive towards right field, I floored it.

And I scored a run.

It. Felt. AMAZING.

While I wasn’t the winning run, our team STOMPED the competition with a 16 > 2 win. It was pretty much a murder, but we were celebrated instead of arrested and sentenced to life. Unless you’re referring to a life of awesomeness, which I’m sure we’ll all enjoy.

However, in the midst of all the high fives, I was able to truly celebrate my contribution. One of those runs was because of ME. I crossed that home plate.

Yeah.

I’m feeling pretty darn happy tonight.

So happy, in fact, that I let two of my teammates teach me how to do a cartwheel. Something I’ve been scared to learn to do for YEARS.

It’s certainly not a pretty one, but I can flip myself over without landing on my head, so that’s a plus.

Today was a good day.

Bon appetit, my friends.

~ Tori

A Positive Body Image

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For those of us that struggle with an eating disorder – and, likely, those that just aren’t 100% happy with how they look even if it doesn’t go so far as an ED – maintaining a positive body image is a challenge. In most cases, it’s nearly impossible.

I, for one, have a constant struggle with body image. If I didn’t lay out my outfits the evening before and force myself to wear whatever I prepared, I’d likely spend a solid hour changing every morning because I do not feel comfortable with how I look in my clothing. It is rare for me to truly feel good in my own skin, so on the rare occasion I do, it’s cause for celebration.

Today, I discovered one of those rare moments.

This afternoon, as a reward for all that I’ve accomplished in the last few weeks, I decided to get a massage.

You’d think that the act of stripping down to your skivvies, laying on a table, and allowing a total stranger to touch you [sounds way more perverted than it is, I assure you] would be the last thing to boost my self image.

Yet, that’s exactly what it did.

It wasn’t the other person, of course. It was the sensation. Feeling the tension in my muscles. The connective tissue. Having the masseuse work out the knots in my legs that were there not as a result of stress, but as a result of the workouts and effort I’ve been putting in. Feeling the strength in my joints, the tendons stretching – I felt in tune with my body for the first time in many years.

This wasn’t my first massage; however, this was the first time I really connected with my body. Instead of trying to forget about my thick thighs or jiggly arms, I focused all of my attention on the muscles below the skin and how they responded to the therapy.

For that brief hour, I was proud of my body.

Proud of the aches and pains. Proud of the stretchmarks, which are a constant reminder of the journey I’ve been on for nearly a decade. Each one a tiny, faded badge of honor – a memory of the old me.

Of course, I can’t expect to get a massage every day of my life as a means of boosting my self-image, so I’ll have to seek out other ways of becoming more comfortable with who I am.

However, today’s stolen hour reminded me of the hard work that I’ve put in and the efforts I’ve been taking to be healthy, inside and out. It reinforced the mindset that I have to be good to my body in order for it to be good to me in return.

With that in mind, I’m going for a run before the sun sets on a good day.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Kryptonite

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Everyone has one. Or two. Or a dozen.

Everyone has that food – or that collection of different foods – that melts their resolve.

That food that breaks through all of the walls of determination, shreds will power into millions of shiny little pieces of confetti.

For me, that’s chocolate in almost all of it’s forms.

  • Chocolate Bars
  • Chocolate Cupcakes
  • Brownies
  • Chocolate-Covered Donuts
  • Chocolate Ice Cream
  • Chocolate-Covered Strawberries [That’s healthy, right? It’s a fruit.]
  • Chocolate-Infused Beer. [Yes, they make that.]
  • Fudge
  • Chocolate Muffins
  • Chocolate Cake
  • Chocolate-Anything Cookies

Yeah, I could go on for hours here.

I’m salivating at the thought of these delectable goodies. Why does this one food destroy every shred of self-control I can muster?

I WANT CHOCOLATE NOW.

Since I cannot control myself around these items, I tend to keep them out of my house. I buy fruit sorbets to satiate my sweet tooth and avoid picking up any chocolate-based candies unless I know the person I give them to will keep it away from me.

Is avoidance the only way to avoid over-indulgence? Must I be like Superman and dodge my kryptonite at all costs? Or is there a happy medium to this craving?

I’m still working on an answer to that.

Fighting a craving,

~ Tori

 

Logic > Emotion?

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Another confession: today is a very, very low day for me.

After several days of NOT stressing about food and pretty much just eating what I wanted to [still relatively healthy, but larger portions], I hopped on the scale today.

Four pounds up. In less than three days since my last weigh-in.

Logically, I know this is NOT possible. I would have had to consume more than 14,000 calories (3,500 calories per pound gained) over what I needed to survive in order to put on this much weight. Not to mention that I exercised substantially in the last few days – kickball, over an hour on the elliptical, running errands –  it’s just not physically possible that I’ve gained a solid four pounds of fat.

Logically, I understand this.

Emotionally, I’m in tatters.

I’m mad at myself.

I feel guilty.

I feel fat.

Disgusting.

Pathetic.

Worthless.

This is the emotional roller coaster all yo-yo dieters face. We have our ups. We have our downs.

Today is a down.

I am blessed that I have a husband who, amazingly, understands. He had been overweight as a kid and, as a result, he can empathize with my struggle on a deeper level than most.

Instead of letting me sink into a depression, he’s taking me out. We’re going to drive around and look at properties [we’ve been house-hunting for a while] and then hit the farmer’s market for fresh, organic vegetables and fruits. We’re going to savor the cooler weather and the sunlight.

We’re not going to let a number on the scale ruin an otherwise perfect day.

Can logic overpower emotion?

Today, I’m going to find out.

~ Tori

Lifelong Journey

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One thing I’ve already briefly mentioned in this blog but haven’t really defined is what I mean by weight loss being a “lifelong” journey.

Many would assume that once we hit our goal weight, the work is pretty much done. A little maintenance here and there and not getting back into the habit of scarfing milkshakes with every meal and we’re golden, right?

WRONG.

It’s not that easy.

You see, when you lose weight, your fat cells empty out, but they don’t go away. You keep them, like a little badge of honor, for the rest of your life. Those fat cells ALWAYS want to be filled back up. It’s their sole purpose in life – to be full of gooey yellow goodness. So, whenever you present them with even the slightest opportunity to replenish, they will do just that.

With this in mind, someone who has successfully lost a substantial amount of weight must always be conscious of their eating and exercise habits, as it will be easier for them to regain the weight than it would be for someone who has never had a weight problem.

It sounds simple enough. Keep eating a healthy diet. Keep exercising. Do both of these, and you’ll maintain.

Again, the problem goes deeper.

You see, most people with weight issues [both overweight and underweight] more than likely have those issues for a reason other than food tasting so delicious. Yes, all of us are guilty of overeating from time to time because it’s so mouth-wateringly delectable, but those who overeat more frequently – and sometimes without consciousness of their actions or control – face a much harder battle than defying their taste buds.

Their battle is emotional. Psychological. Ingrained and internal. Their addiction to food can be so deeply wired in their behaviors, it may take the rest of their lives to even pinpoint the cause of it, nonetheless cure it.

On top of that, the odds are against you in almost every way to lose weight:

  • Fast food is cheap. How many dollar menus have a wide variety of salads on them?
  • Healthy food is expensive. Fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as lean meats, are double their less healthy counterparts.
  • Americans work LONG hours. Food has to be quick, convenient, and readily available.
  • Gyms and personal trainers can be expensive.

Don’t believe me that it’s a hard world out there for someone trying to lose weight or maintain their weight loss? Check out this article from Cracked magazine.

For those of you who may not click on the article, here’s one of my favorite excerpts that pretty much defines my case:

“Well, just stop eating so much!” Sure, kid. To feel what it’s like, try this: Go, say, just 72 hours without eating anything. See how long it is until the starvation mechanism kicks in and the brain starts hammering you with food urges with such machine gun frequency that it is basically impossible to resist. That’s what life is like for a formerly fat person all the time. Their starvation switch is permanently on. And they’re not going 72 hours, they’re trying to go the rest of their lives. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s a breakdown of the science, in plain English. It’s like being an addict where the withdrawal symptoms last for decades.

I can attest to the following:

  • I am ALWAYS hungry. Always. I can sit down to a meal and less than an hour later, be ready to do it again. There is a constant growl in my stomach which is often audible to those around me. I chug water, eat high fiber foods, ect – it doesn’t go away.
  • I think about food most of the day. I think about what I had for breakfast, when I get to have a snack, what I might want for dinner, etc. There is a constant chain of thoughts parading through my brain about my next meal.
  • My cravings can be paralyzing.
  • I obsessively worry about my weight, my diet, and my exercise habits. If I know I cannot make it to the gym within 48 hours, I get antsy. If it’s going to be more than 3 days, I will start cancelling plans with friends, family, and work to ensure I get to the gym. I can’t control myself.
Nachos... my kryptonite.

Nachos… my kryptonite.

So, with all of that in mind, please understand that those of us with weight issues, even if our bodies don’t currently appear unhealthy from the outside, are constantly in a state of perpetual journey.

There is no miracle cure. There is no solution. To maintain my good health, I will always have to stand vigil over the food I eat, the exercise I do, and the habits that I create. And that is why this is my lifelong journey.

Bon appetit,

~ Tori