Author: Victoria Elizabeth

Victoria Elizabeth http://www.victoriaelizabethann.com Bubbly and enthusiastic, I am a lover of all things pink. My writing style is as eclectic as my personal library, so you'll see everything from dark poetry to light-hearted short stories posted in my portfolio.
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Trying not to jinx myself…

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Trying not to jinx myself...

I have a really bad habit of jinxing myself through this blog, as I tend to brag about breaking weight barriers or setting a new PR at the gym only to follow it up with a tragic and depressing slump.

All I will say is that I’ve hit the gym five times per week for five straight weeks. The GymPact app is truly a blessing for me.

I’m a cardio-monster lately and have even made it a point to do a strength-training circuit at least twice per week, despite my utter aversion to the “boys section” of the gym.

My weight today? 135.6.

I’m not going to get too excited, because the weight seems to be coming off a little faster than is normal [and healthy], so chances are this is a bit of water weight.

However, I do seem to be making steady progress and I’m feeling really good about myself.

My goal is 128.5 by October 4th, 2013 [my graduation day from college] and, if I keep this pacing up, it seems like it might be a possibility.

On that note, it’s time for dinner. And a cupcake.

[only one cupcake, of course.]

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Not your average Monday…

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Unlike all of my other “Monday” posts of the past, this is not a depressed, lamenting, regretful, or I-swear-I’m-committed-this-time post. For the first weekend in several months, I didn’t go crazy.

Yes, I had a few weekend delicacies.

Some wine, some junk food, even a beer or two snuck into the picture.

I didn’t work out at ALL on Saturday, unless you count laying out by the pool with a book as an intensive yoga session.

Seriously, this totally counts as a workout. Creating Vitamin D and producing melanin is a lot of work.

Seriously, this totally counts as a workout. Creating vitamin D and producing melanin is a lot of work.

This weekend, I did NOT lose my mind and go on a wild, eat-anything-that-fits-in-my-mouth rampage as I normally do.

I even managed to hit the gym on Sunday morning [6 days last week – thank you, Gym Pact!] and squeeze a bike ride in that evening.

As a result of this new-found weekend sanity, my weight did NOT sky rocket this morning.

When I got on the scale today I was 138.6.

Yes, slightly up from Friday, but that was expected given the salty snacks and delicious beverages I had consumed the night before. Normally, my weight on Monday morning is 3-5 lbs higher than I was on Friday morning, as the discipline and hard work I’d executed during the workweek is normally shoved into the back, dusty cabinets of my brain, only to be remembered when the alarm clock sounds at 7am Monday morning to announce the return of the routine.

I broke the tradition and remained [somewhat] disciplined throughout the weekend.

Tonight, after dinner, I was 138.2.

So, despite eating normally all day, I had shed some of the water weight I had carried over from Sunday.

I don’t want to jinx myself… but I think I’m reaching a point of consistency – of healthy routine – with my diet and exercise. Eating well and working out is becoming second nature and I’m finding myself less inclined to binge just because it’s a holiday, a weekend, or a “special” occasion. I didn’t have to think about it this weekend; it just happened that way.

I… I think I might be on the path of cutting this yo-yo string once and for all.

Here’s hoping,

~ Tori

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GymPact WORKS!

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So, I’ve just finished my fourth week using the GymPact app.

As you can see, I have NOT skipped a workout in four straight weeks. Other than one week with a hectic work schedule, I’ve committed to five workouts every week and bet $10 each time that I’d follow through.

Funny how dedicated you can be when money is on the line, right?

My weight is down slightly (137 this morning) despite a voracious appetite, so all of my cardio must be adding up.

Ah, the power of a Hamilton.

Bon appetit, my friends!

-Tori

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Food Porn, Take Two

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Homemade mango salsa:

Fresh mangoes (literally, they are right off my friend’s tree), organic tomatoes, organic avocado, red onion, organic lime juice, and fresh cilantro.

Served over organic, grass-fed beef meatballs (beef, tapioca flour, egg, onion powder, garlic, salt, and pepper)  and steamed broccoli.

Delicious!

Bon appetit,

-Tori

The Poem of the Yo-Yo

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Mondays.

Really, that’s all that needs to be said. Anyone that has followed this blog for more than a week knows that Mondays are the day of the week that are most painful for me as a yo-yo dieter.

Ashamed of my weekend. Determined for my week. Depressed. Committed. Sad. Prepared.

An endless cycle.

WW_weight_loss_yo_Yo

I decided a poem was in order.

Because, really, how can you be depressed when something has a lovely cadence and the words rhyme? A well-constructed poem can make a eulogy sound like a nursery rhyme.

So here goes:

Victoria was a dieter,
Who counted every bite.
She tracked each tiny morsel,
And logged it all by night.
She found the time to run,
She hardly ever skipped the gym.
Every effort that she could make,
Her attempt to live life slim.
Turning down a slice of pizza,
Saying no to each cupcake.
Her will power was infallible,
Her calorie allowance wasn’t fake.
She huffed and puffed and cried,
The sweat, it always poured.
Yet her body rarely changed,
The scale, she, too,abhorred.
You’d think one day she’d adjust,
And learn to love her frame.
But an act of biased futility,
Is a handcuff just the same.
And so she’ll keep on counting,
Deprivation will be her law.
Until one day she wins the battle,
When her self-doubt does withdraw.

Hoping for a good week,

~ Tori

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Nature’s Path Blueberry Cinnamon Flax Oatmeal = YUMTASTIC

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Nature's Path Blueberry Cinnamon Flax Oatmeal = YUMTASTIC

OK, so I realize that this is NOT a Paleo-approved breakfast, but I happened to find this oatmeal on clearance at Whole Foods one day last week [it wasn’t old; I think the manufacturer changed their box design and Whole Foods HATES to be behind the times, you know], so I decided to pick up a box to try it out.

This stuff is AMAZING.

Not too sweet, extremely hearty, and packing only 160 calories per package. For the last two mornings, I’ve made myself two packets [320 calorie breakfast – nice and hearty] and had a cup of tea with it. I’m shocked to say it keeps me full for HOURS. I’m not exaggerating: HOURS.

Yesterday, I had my oatmeal around 10am and didn’t feel my first pang of hunger until almost 3:30pm. And I wasn’t trying to skip lunch – I was just that satisfied that I didn’t even notice the passing of the time.

This hot cereal boasts sweet blueberries, crunchy flax seeds, and the perfect balance of cinnamon and brown sugar. It’ll please the kids and the health nuts alike.

You know, one of my only gripes about the Paleo diet is the lack of breakfast options – you have to be PREPARED for breakfast with Paleo baked goods or time to spare to fry up some eggs – so this is the meal I most often find myself cheating.

If you’re going to cheat… might as well try to make it a healthy cheat and I think Nature’s Path Blueberry Cinnamon Flax oatmeal is the way to do it!

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Spoke too soon.

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I am ashamed.

So very ashamed.

Yesterday, I blogged about the fact that I had gone so many weeks without an episode, without giving into the devil inside me. I had gone six, seven weeks without binging and purging.

All I did was taunt the beast.

I don’t know why I did it. I was attending my online lecture, calm and quiet, when it started. A cookie. Then another. Then another.

While the class went on, unknowingly a witness and an accomplice to my self-destruction, I shoved it in. Cookies.

Chips. If it was edible, it was going down.

My brain screamed at me. It yelled and cursed and chastised me.

“You don’t even like cookies!”

“You are not even HUNGRY!”

“You’ve had dinner. And a snack. Now STOP.”

But my damned hands wouldn’t stop. They couldn’t. Treacherous, five-fingered harbingers of hate and lust and sloth. Just shoving away.

Oh, and my mouth!

The greedy bitch – she took it all. Happily, eagerly, little porcelain teeth gnashing with joy and ecstasy as the chocolate melted and the crumbles fell.

It lasted maybe five minutes. A package of cookies. A bag of tortilla chips. Gobbled up. Devoured. Inhaled with barely a breath between bites.

The lecture continued.

How were they to know the sin I had just committed?

My stomach flipped and the bile rose in my throat.

What had I done? What could I do?

I excused myself as quickly as I could from the closing banter of my class, shoving my laptop away and rushing to the only salvation, the only punishment and recourse available to me: the drugstore.

I had no other option.

Of course, ipecac syrup was out. Why have places stopped carrying this god-send for the bulimics? Perhaps they realize that their product is never used with the right intentions and that they’re encouraging (and enabling) people to continue this self-destructive habit. Well played, pharmaceutical companies, well played. I’ll just find another way.

I had to settle on the old favorite: laxatives.

Would 15 pills be enough? I’ll buy the 90 count, just in case.

In the darkness of my car, no one to witness (or mock or judge), I popped them, washed down by sugar free Gatorade [as if it mattered anymore] and prayed it would hurt as much as I wanted it to. Please be painful. Please let the memory of this pain last long enough that it prevents a future binge. Please let this be the last time I go through this.

I’m not religious, but prayers filled the car like music fills the church. Please, God, please.

When I got home, I told my husband I had a sour stomach (not a lie) and he felt guilty that it might have been the dinner he brought me. The thoughtful, healthy dinner he dropped off that served as an appetizer to my binge.

Ashamed to tell him the truth, I let him believe that.

“Perhaps the chicken was bad?” I offered.

I’m a terrible human being.

The pills kicked in around 4am, the pain in my abdomen so violent that my half-asleep brain was convinced that a murderer was stabbing me, unrelentingly, eager to rip the very intestines from my body.

Purge, purge, purge.

Three hours, off and on.

Step on the scale… down.

Down, down, down.

No… don’t let that smile creep on your face as the numbers drop. You’re sick. Sicko. Look what you did to yourself. Look what you’re doing. Look what you’ve done.

I couldn’t go to work today, my stomach in shreds, my head aching. I’ve done this to myself.

WHY?

I’m ashamed. So very ashamed.

~ Tori

A Mini Success

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It dawned on me today that I’ve gone almost seven weeks without a severe binge/breakdown.

Yes, I’ve had several “bad days” where I’ve consumed FAR more than I should, but I haven’t totally lost control.

Yes, I’ve had a few days where I popped a diuretic or a laxative – but not an entire package.

[I’m ashamed to say I’ve done that before. It’s RIDICULOUSLY painful. And God forbid you sneeze.]

While I’m still upset on a daily basis regarding my weight, my size, my shape, and my overall fitness, I haven’t succumbed to the monster inside me that begs for my weakness.

But I’ve thought about it.

God, I think about it all the time.

I imagine what would happen if I did it. I play through the steps in my mind.

  • Four Bloat-less pills for maximize water loss.
  • At least 9 Correctols to ensure the cramping and pain is sufficient to punish me for my binge and powerful enough to eject everything not nailed down from my intestines.
  • Two caffeine pills to ensure I can’t sit still. If you’re moving, you’re burning calories.
  • A Bronkaid to kill my appetite for the future.

Pop all of them, back to back, and chase it with as much water as I can hold. Fight the gag reflex as my body responds in a Pavlovian fashion, always aware of the pain I’m trying to induce and fighting against me. Body versus mind, mind versus body.

The memory of pain isn’t enough to convince the mind that it isn’t worth it.

The mind wins.

You don’t have to be a pharmacist to know the concoction above is horrible, if not potentially fatal, and yet I will admit I’ve done it before and will likely do it again.

Today, though, is a mini success. I’ve made it at least seven weeks. I pray for seven more, then seven more after that, and seven, and seven, and seven again for all eternity.

But for now, I’ll accept today. Today is a good day.

~ Tori

Mondays

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Ah, here we go again.

Another Monday.

Yet another re-commitment to my diet. To a better lifestyle. To everything that is good and wholesome and caring for my body.

My weight jumped back up today, which I can only attribute to the massive dinner I had Saturday night at Kobe’s. Soy sauce, noodles, and rice – OH MY!

Good God, they give you a ton of food there. Despite spending 90 minutes on the elliptical and 15 mins running fartleks on the treadmill that afternoon, I couldn’t cancel out the massive amount of calories I consumed in one sitting.

Why is it SO easy to consume 2,500 calories and yet SO hard to burn it back off?

It’s unfair that I can take thousands of calories into my body in just minutes but it takes HOURS of vigorous exercise to burn them back off.

Seriously, was this God’s practical joke on the human race? Make food delicious, readily available, and chock full of calories and then make it ridiculously hard to expend enough energy to burn it off? Then, to top it off, introduce a society that glorifies thinness and collarbones and you’ve got a bona fide eating disorder on your hands.

Grrrrrrrrrr.

Sorry, I’m in a bad mood today. I’m just tired of the fact that I work out EXTREMELY hard and then sabotage my own success by pigging out. I love food too much – but it doesn’t love me back.

There once was a lady name Tori,
Who, with food, she had quite the love story,
They got in a fight –
And try as she might,
She couldn’t kick its ass out the door-y.

[A bit of a forced rhyme, but you get what I’m feeling here.]

Tired of the yo-yo,

~ Tori