Author: Victoria Elizabeth

Victoria Elizabeth http://www.victoriaelizabethann.com Bubbly and enthusiastic, I am a lover of all things pink. My writing style is as eclectic as my personal library, so you'll see everything from dark poetry to light-hearted short stories posted in my portfolio.

The Path to Recovery

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After a week of stress-eating and skipping the gym, Monday brings a beautiful sunrise and a fresh look on life.

Last week, my husband and I lost a very close friend. In response to the pain, I ate.

And ate. And ate.

Did I mention EATING? I haven’t heard my stomach growl in over a week.

I stood on the scale today and wasn’t shocked to see the gain:

Nearly 5 pounds up.

Before, this would have been enough to put me into a spiraling depression. Fortunately, my view on life has changed dramatically as a result of the loss.

I shrugged it off, hopped off the scale, and continued getting ready for my day.

WOW.

I know an eating disorder isn’t cured over night. I also know that I will always, in the back of my mind, struggle over my weight, my eating habits, and my workout routines.

However, I would definitely say that I’m on a solid path to recovery. And I owe that to my dear friend, Greg. Rest in peace, brother.

Bon appetit, my friends,

~ Tori

Paleo Egg Pie

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Weird title, I know. I can’t really call it a quiche, though, because it doesn’t have a crust.

We’ve had company in town this week and I’ve been trying to prepare both delicious, economic [boys can eat!], and still Paleo-friendly meals daily.

The first day, I laid out a feast – huge pans of scrambled eggs, a heaping plate of turkey bacon, sauteed sweet potatoes with onions, toast [both regular and coconut-bread, for me!], fresh fruit salad, organic yogurt, etc.

We had a lot of potatoes leftover and I didn’t want to just microwave them and reserve them [for shame, hostess!], so I got a little creative and made “Paleo Egg Pie.” Recipe below:

  • Approx 2 sweet potatoes, chopped into 1″ pieces.
  • 1/2 sweet onion, diced
  • 6 turkey sausages, chopped into small pieces
  • 1/2 cup chopped mushrooms
  • 2/3 can diced tomatoes w/ chilis, drained well
  • 1/2 cup shredded pepper jack Daiya alternative cheese
  • 2 tbsp virgin, cold-pressed coconut oil

To start, microwave the chopped potatoes for about 90 seconds. This will reduce your cooking time IMMENSELY. Seriously, I do this with all potato recipes.

Place large skillet on stove. I had it around 60% heat. Throw the coconut oil into the pan and allow to melt. Add the onion and mushrooms and saute until transparent and tender. Add the potato and turn the heat up to around 80%. This will sear it a bit and make it nice and crispy on the outside.

Reduce the temperature back to 60% and add your chopped turkey sausage. I use the pre-cooked kind, so I’m basically just warming it up. Add the tomato/pepper mixture and stir until everything is heated through. At this point, I quickly scrambled 3 whole eggs and 3 egg whites and then poured the mixture over top of the pan. Make sure everything is evenly coated [all pan surface needs to be hidden.] If your pan is larger than the standard skillet, feel free to up this recipe to 8 eggs.

Sprinkle the Daiya cheese on top, reduce the heat to LOW, and cover the pan. Let sit for about 5-6 minutes, or until eggs set. Once set, remove pan from stove and slice into triangles, much like you would a pie. I served this with fresh salsa, chopped avocado, green onions, and more daiya cheese. The boys had NO CLUE it was Paleo!

For those who prefer more spice, feel free to add chili powder directly to the scrambled eggs and even some diced jalapeno into the mix!

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Paleo Apple Cobbler… sort of.

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Seeking out comfort foods, I came up with the following recipe out of desperation and a desire to use those last few granny smith apples sitting in the fruit basket.

Not-Your-Granny’s Apple Cobbler:

  • 4 green apples, sliced and cored. [I left the skins on, but most people would probably remove them. I’m lazy.]
  • 1/2 chopped walnuts
  • 1/3 cup craisins
  • 1 cup Blue Diamond unsweetened vanilla almond milk. [only 30 cals per cup!]
  • 2 tbsp cinnamon
  • 1/2 tbsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1/4 cup raw honey

I literally just mixed this all together, threw it into my crockpot on low, and let it slow simmer for about four hours. When I got home, I topped it with So Delicious Vanilla Bean Coconut ice cream (no sugar added) and dug in.

It was sinfully good and the walnuts gave it a slight crunch and buttery texture, so I didn’t miss the crust at all. And this was ridiculously easy to prepare, with leftovers to enjoy for breakfast tomorrow! Not bad for a “what’s left in the pantry” concoction, if I do say so myself!

Perspective

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Very few things in my life have caused me to divert from my path of ardent obsession over my diet. Work has occasionally distracted me, but I’ve always returned to my habits pretty quickly. Happy moments – weddings, childbirths, etc – have caused me to forget about my weight for hours at a time, but the insecure thoughts would come tumbling back the moment the euphoria wore off.

For the last 48 hours, I haven’t thought about my weight. I haven’t cared what I’ve eaten or why I’ve eaten it. Food has been fuel and nothing more.

I lost a very close friend on Friday night. A motorcycle accident. Here one moment, gone the next.

In a flash, the light of someone I loved was extinguished.

It really put things into perspective for me. I’ve spent so many hours stressing, agonizing, and beating myself up over my body and my weight.

What if it were all gone tomorrow?

Would I be worried from Heaven as to how my body looked in the grave? Would I beat myself up for having that extra piece of chocolate if it were the last food I’d get to savor with a friend? Would I really care about so many superficial and trivial things if it were my last minute on this earth to speak my thoughts?

NO.

So why am I living my life this way now? Any moment could be my last. Why do I make them painful for myself more often than I make them good? That is not the way I want to live my life. Not now and never again.

While I don’t think I can break a decade’s worth of bad habits [eating disorder, obsessive weighing, counting calories], I vow to make a conscious effort to change my life and stop obsessing over the trivial. To let myself enjoy this life, while I have it, so that I can die knowing that I made the best of what I was given.

My friend that passed away was young, but he lived his life fully and deeply. He was honest, good, and loving. He took care of himself, but he didn’t stress the small stuff. If he had an extra serving at dinner, he laughed it off and pushed himself a little harder at the gym. It didn’t break his life into pieces.

I’m going to learn from my friend.

I’m going to ENJOY my life, one day at a time.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Paleo Mint Chocolate Chip TEA!

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OK, I know the name sounds weird, but don’t knock it before you try it.

This evening, I was craving something decadent and sinfully high calorie. I would have caved for that craving if it wasn’t 11pm at night and I’m allergic to Walmart. So I had to get creative in my kitchen stocked with healthy, Paleo-diet approved foods.

Well, it worked. I came up with Paleo Mint Chocolate Chip tea, which literally tastes like melted mint chocolate chip ice cream. It’s rich, it’s flavorful, and it’s less than 75 calories for the cup! Yessssss.

Here’s the recipe:

  • One cup [6-8 oz] boiling water
  • 1 tea bag organic, peppermint tea [steep until desired strength; I went DARK!]
  • 1 tbsp organic, unsweetened cocoa powder [only 10 cals!]
  • 2 tbsp organic, So Delicious brand vanilla coffee creamer [only 20 cals!]
  • 1/2 tbsp Enjoy Life chocolate chips [approx 35 calories]
  • One stevia/truvia packet, if preferred.

Steep the tea first, remove the tea bag, and then stir in the cocoa powder. Add the creamer so the liquid cools just a tiny bit, then stir in the chips.

Heaven in a cup!

Enjoy and bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

 

The Point of a Pint

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Everyone has a vice. For some, it’s drinking. For others, it’s food. Drugs, sex, gambling, etc. The list goes on and on. Some are more damaging than others, but all of them can impact our lives in a negative way.

I’m constantly questioning myself and others regarding where they feel their bad habit[s] originated.

Was food a comfort when you were upset as a child?

Did your family reward you with candy?

Did a bad break-up lead you to promiscuity in the hopes of boosting your self-esteem?

What was your catalyst?

I ask the question with the knowledge that most people either won’t have an answer or they will have MULTIPLE answers.

For me, food was often a reward. My grandmother used to take me out gallivanting when I was a child, with trips to fancy restaurants for decadent desserts the epitome of a great day. She was the child of post World War II Germany, so most of her youth was spent suffering from malnutrition, so she has spent the majority of her adult life making up for it. I just got to go along for the ride, acquiring a taste for pound cake, quality chocolate, and anything dipped in butter.

Food was also escape.

In high school, I used to eat purely for the joy of eating. The satisfying crunch of a salty chip could drown out the stress of final exams. The melting of ice cream on the tongue could erase the memory of being bullied in the halls.

As an adult, food is everything.

It’s nourishment and fuel.

It’s pleasure. It’s pain.

Punishment. Reward.

EVERYTHING.

So why does food do that for us?

What, exactly, is the point of a pint?

Does it fill a void? Does it allow an outlet for emotion?

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have had an answer. At least, not a healthy one.

Now, though, I think that a pint of ice cream [or a pint of beer, given your preference], is sometime just that and nothing more. It’s a sweet, creamy, decadent indulgence that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes, the point of a pint is just the opportunity to enjoy a tasty treat, give a long stretch, and congratulate yourself on living through the day.

Bon appetit, my friends!

~ Tori

Why I Run

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I wrote the following poem between sprints on the treadmill at the gym.

Consider this my attempt to make up for not having my video blog ready to post on Sunday, as originally anticipated. Editing’s not easy work, folks!

Why I Run

Until the bitter voice,
of self doubt
is silenced,
forever.

To escape the demons
of my insecurity,
the evil whispers
of my skewed vision.

To be free.

No matter how far I go,
I cannot escape the ghost
of my former
self.

She haunts me
Taunts me,
Mocks.

And so I run.

The voice cannot shout
louder than the wind.

Faster.

********

Video blog coming this week, I promise!

Bon appetit,

~ Tori

The Good & The Bad

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This weekend, my husband and I spent the weekend with some friends in Tampa. I’ve probably not mentioned it before, but we’re craft beer aficionados. The local brewery in Tampa, Cigar City Brewing, was having a celebration in honor of the release of limited bottles of a Hunahpu, a delicious, complex, and decadent stout that they brew and age with cacao nibs.

So, we left Orlando early on Friday afternoon and stayed the night in Tampa, spending the entire day at the brewery on Saturday.

While we had an awesome time and got to sample dozens of rare and unique beers, my diet took a back seat for a solid 24 hours. Food trucks were lined up at the event, selling every fried, fatty, porcine vittles possible to an inebriated audience of 5,000+ people.

Why is food, especially BAD food, so closely intertwined with events?

Do we have to gorge on unhealthy things every time we’re happy, celebrating, or otherwise being entertained?

There were a few healthy options at the event, but they ran out quickly. The one truck boasting healthy sandwiches ran out of 99% of their “fresh” ingredients within an hour and was pumping out only breaded chicken tenders and french fries for the majority of the event.

My Saturday menu consisted of:

At the event —

  • A Dunkin Donuts veggie eggwhite flatbread [my attempt at a healthy breakfast before the event started.]
  • A vanilla nonfat, sugar free latte.
  • Three munchkins. [They were staring at me, taunting.]
  • At least 10 samples [2 oz pours or less] of heavy, craft beers. My guess would be 100-200 calories per sample.
  • A slice of cheese pizza.
  • An empanada that was so greasy, I could have cooked an omelette in the pool of oil left on my plate.
  • Deep-fried broccoli and cheddar “bites.” Something quasi-healthy made irrevocably unhealthy in one moment.

After the event [I’d already blown my diet, anyhow]:

  • Some curry laska soup.
  • Several bites of pad thai.
  • A heaping serving of basil fried rice.
  • Sauteed bak choy.
  • Two coconut fried shrimp.
  • A bottle of beer.

So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty bad about my diet and eating habits by the end of the day. While I had a BLAST at the event and enjoyed dinner with several friends in the evening, I wish that I had better control of my diet and impulses to eat badly when in the company of others.

I’m so regimented and controlled on my own.

Why does company – and celebration – break down my resolve?

I hope to post a video blog later this evening to explore this concept a bit deeper.

Until then, bon appetit!

~ Tori

A Small Success

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I’m writing today’s post with mixed emotions. Currently, I’m battling with a mingling of hurt and pride. It’s hard to explain, but I’m trying to find the words.

I guess I should start the story from the beginning.

Last night, I was involved in a discussion which included several people. There were several individuals with whom I’m friendly, but not close to. They do not know my personal situation anymore than I know theirs.

I do not want to go into details, as I do not want relive the situation nor call the person out, but the conversation eventually steered towards weight.

Now, I’m not overly sensitive.

I can discuss weight, food, addictions, and more without issue.

I can separate myself from it because I realize that 99% of the time, the conversation is innocent.

However, a few comments were made that were downright cruel.

Regardless of whether or not I [or anyone else involved in the discussion] had an eating disorder, there were insensitive phrases, comments, and judgments tossed around by a specific person that were inappropriate, painful, and, in some ways, ignorant. Again, I don’t want to go into too much detail, but some examples would be the phrase “fat chicks,” or the generalization that all fat girls just want to be pretty and thin because they have issues with self-acceptance.

A comment, intended as a joke, was even directed towards me that slashed deep into the core of my insecurities.

It froze me.

I stopped talking, stopped thinking, and stopped reacting.

I was speechless.

Fortunately, the conversation naturally ended among the group a few minutes later, so I was able to leave without drawing attention to myself.

However, the damage was done.

I could feel the monster inside me, tugging.

Worthless.

Fat.

Ugly.

STOP. STOP. STOP.

It chanted from somewhere deep inside, reverberating in my ears like the echoing cacophony left behind a passing ambulance. I couldn’t shake it.

Yet… I did.

A year ago, this would have caused me to relapse.

Pills. Ipecac. Something.

I would have done something.

Hell, six WEEKS ago I would have relapsed.

But I didn’t.

I talked it out with a close friend. I confided my emotions, releasing the valve – watching as the scalding steam of my self-hatred leaked away, dissipating into the air of understanding.

I didn’t slip.

I didn’t binge.

I didn’t purge.

A small success.

And for that, I am proud.

~ Tori

Sunday Vlogs – Coming Soon!

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Starting on Sundays, I plan to post a weekly video blog in which I expound upon my thoughts on diets, workouts, dealing with an eating disorder, and just the overall emotions involved.

At this point, my video documentary has received over 200 views, 14 likes, and four comments. This tells me that people definitely relate to my struggles and that a visual medium is likely a good way to keep my story personal, real, and engaging for everyone.

I’m not a videographer by any means, so I’ll likely just do it in my office with my webcam, but I’ll try to “pretty it up” in iMovie and at least make it presentable. I plan to use this as a video confessional/diary.

If you have any thoughts, comments, or suggestions for topics, please feel free to email me:

victoriaelizabethann@yahoo.com

Bon appetit, my friends,

~ Tori